How are liberal fascists stealing your religious freedom today?
Senator Ted Cruz (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)

Ted Cruz was going full-bore with the fundamentalist persecution fantasies at the Iowa Faith and Freedom Coalition summit this week. "Today’s Democratic Party has decided there is no room for Christians in today’s Democratic Party,” The Hill reports him saying, which means that either Cruz is one of those people who believes Obama is a secret Muslim or he's defining "Christian" to mean only people who blow off that caring-f0r-the-poor thing in order to obsess about other people's sex lives.


“There is a liberal fascism that is going after Christian believers,” he added, referring to an imaginary round-up of imaginary people that he dreamt about last night.

Just kidding! He actually defined what this "going after" and "fascism" looks like: Being told to mind your own business.

“Today’s Democratic Party has become so radicalized for legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states that there is no longer any room for religious liberty,” he whined.

In other words, not being able to bar other people from getting married is, in Cruz's reckoning, a fascist assault on the "religious liberty" of conservatives. Got it. Now you people who didn't go to Harvard might think of "religious liberty" as the right to be free from the kind of theocratic oppression that would, say, bar you from marrying based on someone else's religious beliefs. You might also think of "fascism" as the kind of political philosophy that endorses such oppression, such as when people were rounded up and put into concentration camps because they had different religious beliefs from the majority or were gay, such as what happened to Jews and gays under Nazi Germany.

But you see, we're talking about conservative Christians here. Clearly, they are a more important people than the rest of us. We are barely subhuman and clearly deserving of no rights at all. (Nothing fascist about that belief, either!) They are so superior to us---a master race, really---that the real fascism is in not letting them control the lives of the heretics and other non-believers. With that in mind, I cobbled together a list of other ways that the liberal fascists are going after the religious liberties of conservatives Christians.

The Liberal Fascist Agenda To Destroy Religious Liberty In 2015

  • Banning conservatives from mass-kidnapping the non-believers and putting them into mandatory Bible camp
  • Allowing churches that support reproductive rights or gay marriage to exist
  • Allowing any non-Christian church, temple, or mosque to exist
  • Reading about feminism, gay rights, or any other subject that hasn't been pre-approved by Christian censors
  • Having sex in the privacy of your own home without submitting an application, complete with a detailed description of all planned sex acts, to Ted Cruz, so he can personally sign off on whether your sexual activity is Christianity-compliant
  • Allowing Democrats to run for office. We need a one-party state, or the fascists have won.
  • Praying to the "wrong" god or praying for things other than an end to all sexual expression that isn't Ted Cruz-approved
  • Not praying at all
  • Making jokes about how Ted Cruz always looks like he's about to cry-ejaculate. This may be the biggest fascist attack on religious liberty imaginable.

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