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Jon Stewart schools Justices Roberts and Alito: ‘Marriage has almost never not been changing’

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Jon Stewart threw his own oral arguments at both Chief Justice John Roberts and the “anti-gay cray-cray” contingent on Wednesday’s Daily Show, puncturing the rhetoric the Supreme Court heard on Tuesday against same-sex marriages.

“The institution of marriage has almost never not been changing,” Stewart said in response to Roberts. “Before the last century, marriage wasn’t one man and one woman; it was one man and his piece of vagina property. Change can be good.”

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Stewart also knocked down Justice Samuel Alito’s suggestion that letting same-sex couples marry would open the door to polygamy.

“Why should gay people have to account for anyone who’s ever going to want to get married after they get the right to marry?” the host asked. “When women fought for suffrage, no one was like, ‘What if one day a dog wants to vote, how ’bout that ladies?'”

The high court heard arguments on Tuesday concerning marriage equality bans in four states, with the case for the states being made by former solicitor general of Michigan John Bursch. Stewart poked fun at Bursch’s youthful appearance while giving him a backhanded compliment for arguing that legalizing same-sex marriage could cause “long-term harms to our country and to our fundamental interest to govern themselves.”

“First of all, let me just say I love your lawyer costume,” Stewart joked. “Secondly, it takes balls for a young guy to walk into the Supreme Court and go, ‘I know you guys think Marbury vs. Madison gives you the right to decide the constitutional questions, but I say we’re a direct democracy. Now which one of you pr*cks is gonna buy me booze? I’m 19.'”

Watch Stewart’s commentary, as posted online on Wednesday, below.

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Seth Meyers can’t stop laughing at Devin Nunes: ‘It’s like murdering someone and calling their ghost to testify’

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"Late Night" comedian Seth Meyers summed up the day of hearings by saying it was devastating to President Donald Trump. If you don't believe him, he showed the humiliating clip of Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) who looked dejected.

"Wow, look at his face!" Meyers said. "He looks like he just walked in on his parents having sex -- with someone else's parents. There's only two explanations for that face, either he just heard lengthy testimony detailing a criminal scheme so shocking to bring down the presidency of Donald Trump. Or he sharted, and he's trying to remember how far away his back-up pants are."

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The Republicans’ impeachment lawyer made 2 huge mistakes in questioning Gordon Sondland

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Ambassador Gordon Sondland delivered complex and convoluted impeachment testimony on Wednesday about his involvement in President Donald Trump’s Ukraine scandal. He gave detailed evidence recounting the president and the rest of the administration’s involvement in his effort to get Ukraine to launch investigations of Trump’s political opponents — including by leveraging a potential White House meeting and a hold on military aid.

But he also, to the Republicans’ delight, left some ambiguity about how much Trump had been involved in the effort to leverage the aid, saying that he had “presumed” Ukraine’s announcement of the investigations would release the hold. And he noted that, in one phone call the president — as the scheme was slowly being uncovered — Trump angrily denied there was a quid pro quo.

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Rick Santorum smacked down for claiming Sondland testimony helped Trump

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On Wednesday's edition of CNN's "Cuomo Prime Time," former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) tried to argue that the testimony of E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland actually helped President Donald Trump — and was promptly challenged.

"I think the Democrats had a good morning. I don't think they had a good afternoon," said Santorum. "I think what when the Republicans actually started questioning Sondland about the details, I think it fell apart a little bit."

"How so?" asked Chris Cuomo.

"He said the president never said any of these things to him," said Santorum. "In fact, what the president said, he quoted what the president said is, no, there's no quid pro quo. What he says is, well, I'm surmising, this is what I'm just sort of gathering. Did anything come from the president? No, it came from Rudy Giuliani."

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