You too can get Rand Paul to mouth some bullsh*t story you made up about Hillary Clinton — ask me how!
Have you ever wanted to make a presidential campaign blow up like the Death Star before it really ever got started, but didn’t want to have sex with Gary Hart or be Tim Pawlenty?
Well, who hasn’t.
You could put in a lot of hard work doing research, following up leads, getting people to speak on and off the record, poring over documents and tax records, digging through trash, etc. And then, one day: eureka, paydirt! you get published and down goes the candidate; their hopes and dream forever crushed, their children filled with shame and prone to alcoholism and eating disorders.
Sounds like fun, but also like so much work, right?
Or you could just make shit up.
If you got a hankering to halt Hillary Clinton with some fantasy hate-fic of your own, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is ready to lend a helping hand.
Paul — the least likeable character in Ayn Rand’s unpublished masterpiece “Gimme! Mine! Fuck You!” — is crowdsourcing dirt on the Clintons and their Clinton Foundation, so it’s just like Whitewater all over again.
Actually Whitewater is Whitewater all over again.
If you have some tips for Rand about the Clintons selling out America by accepting foreign contributions (Muslim money, Benghazi bucks, and any other weird foreign medium of exchange like beads, goats, child brides, or bits of broken glass) just forward that info right here to Rand, whose army of I Stand With Rand tech-bros will then vet it for public consumption. And by “vet it” I mean: forward it to Breitbart.com or WND and let them puke-funnel it out to the yahoos.
Submissions that seem highly plausible — those would be the ones written in all-caps which is a sign of FACTS, SHEEPLE, DO YOUR RESEARCH!!!1! — will receive special treatment, passed farther up the food-chain to Amy Chozick who works the “Whoa, If True!” desk at the New York Times. If you’re lucky, you may even get a passive/aggressive “thumbs up!” from self-parodying “journalist” Ron Fournier.
Have fun with it. You’ll be surprised how easily it is to engage your reader by beginning your submission with “I am a student at a small Midwestern college and I never thought this would happen to me….” or “This one time, at band camp…”. Of course, you’ll need to provide an email address, which will mean endless appeals for cash or sales pitches for super cool gadgetry like this Rand Paul “Suck It NSA” Hi-Tech Spy Cam Defier, but you can probably get around that by using [email protected] for the extra credibility and stuff.
Let your imagination, your use of #Benghazi, and your lack of conscience be your guide.