Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky threw his squirrel-pelt toupee into the ring today, announcing his bid to be President of You & Me in 2016, providing, of course, our current Black Panther Muslim terrorist president doesn’t trade the country to some ayatollah in exchange for 72 virgins in Muslim heaven before the elections roll around.
Just in case: Allahu Akbar, yo! Muslim Jesus totally crushes it! Woot!
Paul joins Texas-Canadian Ted Cruz in what is sure to be an exciting lineup of otherwise seemingly intelligent people who will spend the next year or so dumbing themselves and their rhetoric down for Republican primary voters, many of whom should not be left alone with a spork unless they’re already wearing eye protection.
Of note, with only two entrants so far, has been the fact that the campaign logos for both candidates prominently feature fire.
For Cruz, this isn’t particularly surprising, since he enjoys terrifying the bejesus out of toddlers by screaming “Your world is on fire! ” in their faces. Because, LOL, kids pee themselves. Awesome.
If that flame logo looks like the Al Jazeera logo, to you, you might be on to something. Like maybe the Muslims slipped a Manchurian Muslim Candidate into America via our neighbors to the north.
Is it irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to speculate. Thanks, Peggy Noonan!
In what can only be described as a trend (2 for 2, so far) Paul launched his campaign website today, and, well:
Hunka hunka, burning logos! What is H-E-double-hockey sticks is going on around here?
Because I am helpful and super considerate and a goddam fucking saint — if I do say so myself, and I’ve been known to say that — I thought I’d pitch in and throw together a few ideas for other potential GOP candidates preparing to leap into the flaming shit-pile that will be the GOP debates/crazythons.
For newly minted Hispanic-panic amigo, Jeb (pronounced “Heb”) Bush:
Real Hispanic and other Cuban guy like Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio:
Frothy perennial candidate, Rick Santorum:
Snake oil huckster and personal emissary from Jeebus, Mike Huckabee:
…and just in case, because you know this is totally going to happen:
You can thank me later, you guys…