On Sunday, Last Week Tonight host John Oliver expressed both his undying love for soccer and his unrelenting hatred for the head of the sports governing body, by promising to drink a Bud-Lite Lime if the U.S. Government and World Cup sponsors take down the corrupt “*sshole” FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
Oliver criticized FIFA a year ago, calling it a “comically grotesque organization” while drawing attention to the human rights abuses perpetrated in its name after it awarded the 2022 World Cup to Qatar which has been using slave labor to build facilities and venues for the event.
Last week the U.S. Justice Department indicted multiple high-level FIFA officials on corruption charges, yet the organization’s head, Blatter, remained unscathed.
“It took the country that cares the least about football to bring down the people who have been ruining it,” Oliver explained. “That’s like finding out that Kesha arrested a group of bankers involved in commodities fraud.”
Turning to Blatter, who has lead FIFA since 1998 and was re-elected as president after the indictments were handed down, Oliver pointed out that corruption is not the only reason Blatter should be booted.
“Blatter has previously suggested raising the popularity of women’s soccer by saying, ‘They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty.’ It is rare to find a non-fired boss who would openly say, ‘I would like to make it easier for me to masturbate to my employees,’” Oliver joked.
“No decision Blatter has overseen is more questionable than the 2022 World Cup being awarded to Qatar, because not only will the conditions be terrible to play in, but the number of migrant workers that have died in Qatar since the cup was announced has been staggering,” he continued. “A report by the International Trade Union Confederation estimates that the death toll of migrant workers has surged to 1,200, and there is predicted to be around 4,000 more dead by 2022.”
Oliver pointed out that — should the Justice Department go after Blatter –it would make the U.S. the most popular country in the world.
“The problem is all the arrests in the world are going to change nothing if Blatter’s still there, because to truly kill a snake you must cut off its head—or in this case, its *sshole,” he explained. “But if America keeps driving this investigation and actually finds something to indict him, I don’t think you would understand how much that would mean to every person on earth. The whole world’s opinion of America would change overnight. Let me put this in terms you might understand: If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock up Donald Trump, you would think, ‘Holy shit! The Dutch are awesome! The Dutch are amazing! What a country!’ That is what is on the table for you, America.”
Noting that endorsers from Budweiser to Adidas have supported FIFA to the tune of $5.7 billion from 2011 to 2014, Oliver called on them to use their financial muscle to push Blatter out, by making them an offer they can’t refuse.
“I would like to make a plea to them tonight: Please make Sepp Blatter go away. I will do anything. Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes. One of these shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your Dollar Menu—which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard,” he said.
Oliver then promised to make the ultimate sacrifice.
“Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I’m serious. It could be a Bud light. I will even drink a Bud Light Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that it tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster. But I will do it. I will drink one while maintaining eye contact with the camera and say it’s delicious. Because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like f*cking Champagne!”
Watch the video below: