The president of the “Donald Trump Is The Greatest ‘Yuman’ Ever — Including That Jesus Guy Who Was A Loser and A Freakin’ Clown — Fan Club” wants everyone to know that brown people all over ‘Murica — even the ones who sneak over the border to ply their highly profitable rape trade — are grande fans of his.
“Muy grande,” you might even say if you were someone from Iowa buying a large drink at Taco Bell for the first time and wanted to dazzle the counter-help.
That president — and soon to be president of the future TrumpAmericaGold-PlatedEstates, LLC. (formerly the United States) — is Donald Trump himself , because only he can whip his hair up into a crown that looks like upside-down frozen pee-sicles that you might find coming out of an overflowing NYC porta-john in January.
¿Qué onda? with this Latino-love thing, you are no doubt asking yourself with little upside-down question marks pinging around in your head.
Here, let “El Trumpo ” as he calls himself, ‘splain:
The newly announced Republican presidential candidate spoke to reporters while giving them, and PGA officials, a tour of his 18-hole championship course, which hugs the Potomac River. Trump confronted criticism he’s fielded — from the Latino community, Hillary Clinton and others — for saying last week he’d build a “great wall” on the Mexican border. Trump also had said Mexico is sending people who are “bringing drugs” and “bringing crime,” including “rapists.”
Asked about the backlash, Trump said: “I do great with Latino voters. I employ so many Latinos. I have so many people working for me. I’m a job creator. I create jobs. I’m a master job creator. No politician knows how to create jobs. They’re all talk, they’re no action. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
He added: “And you know, the Latinos love Trump and I love them.”
¡Es verdad, esé! They love him muy mucho.
So mucho, in fact, that they are manufacturing paper-mâché “Santo Trump’s“ in his likeness that they fill with candy for los niños — like little marzipan Obama phones, only they will be Trump phones. Gold-plated marzipan Trump phones. Because if it is Trump, it is classy. And gold-plated. But mainly, classy. But also gold-plated.
All the kids have to do to get el candy is beat the Trump — who is known affectionately in Mexico as “Hijo de puta y uno burro” or “Trumpo Pendejo” — with sticks and it just falls out because of gravity, which is science so it is also educational.
If you are thinking of sneaking over the border with drugs to pay for classes at University of Phoenix to get a degree in real estate developing — or raping (same thing) — it is important that you know that just the desire to beat Donald Trump with a stick is all you need to become an American. Just ask anyone. We all want to do it. ¡Si! Es verdad, also too.
Welcome — or ¡bienvenido! — to America!
Just remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.
Or the Trump hair.
WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike
President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.
The White House had signaled the president would deliver his address Tuesday night, but walked that back and the president, insisting “All is well!” in a Tuesday night tweet promised to speak Wednesday morning.
Here are 11 of the most punchable faces of 2017
Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
WATCH LIVE: Sarah Huckabee Sanders holds WH briefing as Trump squabbles with Gold Star families
As President Donald Trump's administration squabbles with the family of Sgt. La David Johnson and Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) over the president's ham-handed attempt to offer condolences to Johnson's widow, many people are failing to ask why U.S. Army Green Berets were in Niger at all.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is expected to receive questions about Niger and more queries about the administration's decision to go on the warpath against Wilson with false charges about a 2015 speech.