Some candidates for the Republican base to love when Trump burns out
Donald Trump speaking at CPAC 2011 in Washington, D.C. (Gage Skidmore/Flickr)

At this point, there is no doubt that the ongoing love for Donald Trump on display by the Republican base really says something about said base. Certainly, it makes it that much harder to buy the generous argument that the conservative base is a bunch of white people who have been manipulated through genius trickery into voting against their own economic interests, and makes it clear that we're looking at bullies who would rather burn the country to the ground than share it with people they hate for utterly irrational reasons.

I recommend Rick Perlstein's take on Trump's appeal:

There is, however, another parallel right-wing drive, the “other” side of reaction’s Möbius strip—the same side, really. It emerges, for instance, in phrases like Barry Goldwater’s campaign slogan: “In Your Heart You Know He’s Right.” Or “Silent Majority”: Richard Nixon’s phrase, deployed in a November 1969 speech two weeks after the largest antiwar demonstration in human history, the National Moratorium Day, when approximately 2 million Americans from all walks of life, in cities and small towns alike, took the day off from work or school to protest the Vietnam War. They express a core conservative contention: that there are certain things that a vast majority of Americans know to be true, even if propriety—or the liberal thought police, what Nixon called by implication the silencing minority—do not allow them to say.

And so they thrill in Trump, who is saying "forbidden" things that the "liberal elite" hates. Indeed, that structure pushes their buttons so hard that the actual content of the "forbidden" things hardly matters. All that matter is the "liberal elite" hates them and that other Republicans---deemed cowards---speak out against him. He could be screeching incoherent nonsense and as long as it seemed hateful and the "liberal elite" hates it, the base will love him. I know this, because Trump is, in fact, speaking gibberish. I don't mean the stuff about Mexico "sending" people to the U.S., which is a myth but at least is coherently communicated. Or the snide remarks about John McCain's time as a POW, which is the same blustery nonsense spouted by every gun-toting moron who thinks he'd be Rambo if given a chance. No, I mean when he goes straight to deeply, unbelievably stupid territory:

The New York Times claims Trump has a staff of advisors. Looking at that tweet, I have to assume this "staff" consists of a ball of twine being pushed around by two hamsters.

However, what this should be saying to conservative organizers who want to help push the Republican party right and create some chaos is that you don't need to get behind Donald Trump, who is high-maintenance. Why bother dealing with him to rile up the troops when you can get that magical combination of bone-crushingly stupid and screechy from much easier to manage sources? Here are some better options for who to turn to when Trump burns his fake candidacy out.

1) A howler monkey.


Advantages: Loud, scary-looking teeth that make the base feel manly, can be kept in a cage when not at campaign events, doesn't need to be soothed by having hot women pretend to like him.

Disadvantages: Is an animal, and liking those is uncomfortably associated with tree-hugging environmentalists and gross ladies. However, if you can get PETA to denounce the caging of your candidate, he'll shoot to the top of the polls.

2) Trash can lids to bang together. 


Advantages: Loud and, if you refuse to wash them, you are sure to make some high-heeled and coiffed urban Democrat lady on a Sunday talk show pull a disgusted face when they're wheeled in to sit on a panel. Definitely not fashionable.

Disadvantages: Just make sure they're made in America.

3) An air horn.


Advantages: Really fucking loud. Can interrupt people without even cutting their mics, which even the master, Bill O'Reilly, fails to do at times.

Disadvantages: Base already has a tendency to run Fox News all day turned up at maximum volume. Could cause TV speakers to blow out when guesting on Megyn Kelly's show.

So there you have it, folks: Some truly viable candidates to offer up to the base so they can express themselves before settling down and nominating Jeb Bush. Feel free to offer your own ideas in comments.