'Are you the father of Bristol Palin's baby?': #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear

Debate day is here! Debate day is here!

The GOP debate is tonight and America is anticipating it with all of the quivering excitement of a 16-year-old boy before his first blowjob  -- getting or giving, we don't judge.

The modern presidential debate has virtually nothing to with how a potential candidate will govern or as a forum that allows a candidate to express his or her deep down core beliefs. While it is ostensibly about hitting all the right notes that will hopefully resonate with the base and pick up a smattering of  converts, it really is about getting off the stage without shitting yourself so that you can live to visit Iowa another day.

As if that is some kind of reward -- which it is not, regardless of the butter cow.

Usually during the debate a "fun question" is asked to lighten the mood and clear the room of the smell of fear, failure, and despair after a candidate failed to stick the landing. We're talking about you Rick Perry, who didn't make the cut and will be working as a valet parking cars with Bobby Jindal and Rick Santorum outside Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland this evening.

MTV lowered or possibly raised the bar years ago with "Boxers or briefs?" but we can anticipate some kind of softball from the Fox moderators tonight, with Marco Rubio a'wishin' and a'hopin' it will be "Biggie or Tupac?" because he can totally nail that one.

While I personally want to know which candidates saw the Lenny Kravitz wardrobe malfunction dick gif -- only to see Lyndsey Graham leap from his seat in the auditorium (also, too: didn't make the cut :( super-sadface ) frantically waving his hand and shouting "Me! Me!" -- other people have life-changing questions that need answers too.

You will not hear answers to any of these questions tonight at the Thunderdome for Dunderheads and America will be all the poorer for it.

Thanks a lot, Obama:

And, most importantly: