Debate day is here! Debate day is here!
The GOP debate is tonight and America is anticipating it with all of the quivering excitement of a 16-year-old boy before his first blowjob -- getting or giving, we don't judge.
The modern presidential debate has virtually nothing to with how a potential candidate will govern or as a forum that allows a candidate to express his or her deep down core beliefs. While it is ostensibly about hitting all the right notes that will hopefully resonate with the base and pick up a smattering of converts, it really is about getting off the stage without shitting yourself so that you can live to visit Iowa another day.
As if that is some kind of reward -- which it is not, regardless of the butter cow.
Usually during the debate a "fun question" is asked to lighten the mood and clear the room of the smell of fear, failure, and despair after a candidate failed to stick the landing. We're talking about you Rick Perry, who didn't make the cut and will be working as a valet parking cars with Bobby Jindal and Rick Santorum outside Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland this evening.
MTV lowered or possibly raised the bar years ago with "Boxers or briefs?" but we can anticipate some kind of softball from the Fox moderators tonight, with Marco Rubio a'wishin' and a'hopin' it will be "Biggie or Tupac?" because he can totally nail that one.
While I personally want to know which candidates saw the Lenny Kravitz wardrobe malfunction dick gif -- only to see Lyndsey Graham leap from his seat in the auditorium (also, too: didn't make the cut :( super-sadface ) frantically waving his hand and shouting "Me! Me!" -- other people have life-changing questions that need answers too.
You will not hear answers to any of these questions tonight at the Thunderdome for Dunderheads and America will be all the poorer for it.
Thanks a lot, Obama:
A black guy rolls past a stop sign. Another black guy jaywalks. Who should the police execute first and why? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— 🌹 Clark, a proud citizen of GoFundMe nation (@🌹 Clark, a proud citizen of GoFundMe nation)1438869538.0
Can each of you tell the audience about your college experience? Scott -- you are exempt from this question. #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— Matty Ice (@Matty Ice)1438834471.0
#DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear Is Lindsey Graham prettier than Megyn Kelly? Discuss. http://t.co/Nf5SYwGjKq— Real Fake P0TUS (@Real Fake P0TUS)1438870780.0
Is Jon Snow still alive? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— The Volatile Mermaid (@The Volatile Mermaid)1438868842.0
Are you the father of Bristol Palin's baby? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— Barbara_I 🐞 (@Barbara_I 🐞)1438831196.0
If you had a soul, how much would you sell it for? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— Nick (@Nick)1438825344.0
#DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear Can you point out where the part that shuts down legitimate rape is located? http://t.co/nSuSaDh41P— Elizabeth West (@Elizabeth West)1438876342.0
#DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear Would you resurrect Reagan and build a time machine to stop Hitler if it meant raising taxes .00001%?— Top Conservative Cat (cat/cat) (@Top Conservative Cat (cat/cat))1438829708.0
If Rick Perry were here, would he remember the three branches of government? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— Matty Ice (@Matty Ice)1438826500.0
#DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear What is the difference between a fact and what you said?— Ian F. Hood ￼🇨🇦 (@Ian F. Hood ￼🇨🇦)1438821306.0
On a scale from Paris Hilton to Kim Kardashian, what is your lack of intelligence level? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— Wee Wish You A Merry Christmas (@Wee Wish You A Merry Christmas)1438821385.0
Who wants to take a selfie with a Christian family values anti-gay activist? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear #duggary http://t.co/daHZbFq5zz— 🌹 Clark, a proud citizen of GoFundMe nation (@🌹 Clark, a proud citizen of GoFundMe nation)1438834288.0
What's an acceptable number of mass shootings per year? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— PoliticalGroove (@PoliticalGroove)1438827681.0
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one? #DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear— ∂ebraℓee (@∂ebraℓee)1438821507.0
And, most importantly:
#DebateQuestionsWeWantToHear What exactly is it, that you do here? http://t.co/hSPpiBtAsK— Brett Banditelli is not getting enough rest (@Brett Banditelli is not getting enough rest)1438832158.0