The Christian Mingler: Here are 5 commandments Josh Duggar broke while being a sex freak
In what was undoubtedly a blow to the prestige of ChristianMingle, Josh Duggar apparently sought the solace and comfort and sharing of his precious bodily fluids with women — who were not his sisters — by using the services of Ashley Madison, the adultery affair service for adults who thought they were being discreet.
While Duggar could have used one of the many religious-based dating services like ChristianMingle — such as BigChurch.com, Jdate, LDSMingle, or MuslimFriends.com — Josh decided to play the field using the massive online adultery pool like a cafeteria featuring a bountiful menu of non-denominational vaginas open for business on the side.
We commend him for his open-mindedness and willingness to create more Jesus babies with women who don’t subscribe to the “no glove, no love” ethos. He is like a Missionary of Boinking.
Leaving nothing to chance, Duggar also apparently signed up with OkCupid, advertising himself as “strictly monogamous” which is almost as big of a sin as putting your penis into the baby-making place — and only the baby-making place — of a different woman than the one you swore you would be faithful to til death do you part. Or coming out of the closet, whichever happens first.
Speaking of which, we have yet to hear about Josh on Grindr — because, after all, once you’ve broken one or two of the 10 Simple Rules You Have To Follow To Dreamdate Jesus, you might as well go all in. So to speak.
Based upon what we now know, Duggar is probably guilty of breaking the following commandments:
- “Thou shall honor your father and your mother” — Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar worked their fingers to the bone home-schooling Josh and raising him as a Godly man, only to have him fingerbang his sisters, commit adultery, and look at naked people doing naked people things on the Internet ALL DAY AND NIGHT. Now they have lost a major source of their income either because he was absent on the day they covered “don’t fingerbang you sister” or he was all, “Whatever.” Rude and disrespectful.
- “Thou shall not commit adultery” — He just admitted he was boning women who were not his wife. Case closed.
- “Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor” — While treating his private parts like an amusement park after doing searches for “teen MILF cheerleader lingerie pizza delivery foot sex” and sexing up women who found a pudgy sweaty balding Godbotherer better than a vibrator, he was getting paid to state that people in loving same-sex partnerships were an “attack on the family.” Look homeward, angel.
- “Thou shall not covet” — These are the things that Josh was looking for in women not his wife: “A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” ”Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.” As an aside, if you are going to do adultery this is the most vanilla wish list ever. “Yodeling while Popsicle pegging” or GTFO.
- “Thou shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain” — We don’t really know what Josh Duggar hollered to the heavens when he ejaculated the “Tears of Jesus” into a lady he hooked up with — who was simultaneously “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” and “Naughty Girl” — but we’re guessing it wasn’t the name of his former boss, “Tony Perkins!” Although, all things are possible when you’re getting your Jesus freak on.
So that is five (5) commandments Josh Duggar broke that we know of until a hotel receipt for the Hay-Adams for a Sabbath day assignation (“Keep the Sabbath day Holy”) turns up that Josh billed to the Family Research Council for “Christian outreach” (“Thou shall not steal”).
In which case, authorities might want to start digging up the backyard at Josh Duggar’s old place in Maryland just in case some woman mistakenly started bragging, “I did a Duggar,” and things got out of hand and, well, you know, “I kind of blacked out,” but “God has forgiven me.”
God works in mysterious ways whenever you need a good excuse and forgiveness.
God is the ultimate wingman…