Topless in Times Square: de Blasio and Cuomo are acting like boobs about the 'desnudas'
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How you gonna keep'em down on the farm, once they've seen a boob in Times Square?

-- old saying someone probably said.


If you have paid any attention to the New York tabloids this week you are no doubt aware that Times Square is chest-deep in naked breasts which are apparently destroying the World's Most Important City -- just ask any New Yorker -- and now the governor is joining forces with the mayor to save civilization.

It must be at least that big of a deal since the eight or so women known as “desnudas” -- who pose for pictures with tourists from flyover country who have never seen a big city boob before -- have caught the attention of Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) and Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D) and now something must be done about this because "think of the children."

Or businesses in the area if you're Cuomo.

“I believe it is infringing on legitimate businesses,” Cuomo said in an interview. “I think it is infringing on the investment that the state and the city made in the 42nd Street area, and I think it has to be stopped.”

There are about 8.4 million people who live in New York City -- or approximately 525,000 people per exposed breast, give or take depending upon population fluctuations and cup size. And, being the 12-year-old boys they are, these untethered breasts are what have caught Cuomo and de Blasio's attention like twin high beams bearing down upon a startled deer.

The real problem in Time Square is the collection of panhandlers and goofballs dressed up like Elmo or Spiderman who are aggressively forcing themselves upon the tourists who go to gawk at what is known as "The Crossroads of the World" before hitting a  "Wicked" matinee after finding out that "Cats" closed.  While this has been a problem for some time, it took scantily-clad women with painted-over nipples to get the politician's attention and now de Blasio is considering destroying the village in order to save it.

"....the mayor startled many urban planners when, at a news conference in Queens, he said he would give “a fresh look” at whether the [Times Square] pedestrian plazas should remain.

“That’s a very big endeavor, and like every other option comes with pros and cons,” Mr. de Blasio said of removing the plazas. “So we’re going to look at what those pros and cons would be. You could argue that those plazas have had some very positive impacts. You could also argue they come with a lot of problems.”

"For want of a bra a public square was lost" -- Ben Franklin, approximately.

America has long engaged in a twilight struggle with the breast, or more specifically the nipple, and it continues to this day.

While the Huffington Post devoted a whole portion of their news-site to the elusive dorsal portion of the celebrity breast known as the  "sideboob," nipples freak everyone the hell out as if their only previous glimpse of a breast was on a Barbie. Say a prayer for those whose only acquaintance with male genitalia is on a Ken doll. The horror....the horror.

Every year, Sports Illustrated manages to slip in a little nipple action into their annual swimsuit issue,  shaking up commonsense Midwestern moms who run to the local media because they want that kind of stuff covered up like in the Victoria Secret catalogs that keep going missing about the house when the boys get home from school.

Then there was the Great Super Bowl Wardrobe Malfunction of 2004 that shocked a nation and resulted a $550,000 FCC fine for CBS -- later overturned with the Supreme Court then refusing to hear the FCC's appeal no matter how much Clarence Thomas whined and pouted.

It's hard to say why America fears exposed breasts so much but there are those who think it has to do with a double standard; just not the "men can go topless, and women can't -- not fair!" double standard that you might think.

As in:

For all the people out there who cry it's sexist that women can't go around topless, I am going to give you an irrefutable argument to why it isn't sexist. A woman is topless, a man "accidentally" gropes her chest, he's going to be spending the next few years in prison and registering as a sexual offender. Next scenario. A man is topless, a woman "accidentally" gropes his chest, even if he does freak out, which he probably wouldn't, but if he did, the entire police station will laugh him out of the station for reporting it. The reason it is illegal for women to walk around topless isn't for the children's sake. It is because there are completely different rules and regulations when it comes to men and women and their bodies. (sure you can say double standards are sexist, but I don't hear any women complaining about my above double standard). If the day comes when grabbing a woman's chest isn't grounds for being arrested, sure then you can say it's sexist that women aren't allowed to go topless.

Well, there you have it. Men will be boys and although we will allow them to own as many high-powered weapons as they want, control the government, own almost all the businesses, and provide them high octane toys to zoom about in, they simply can't be left around an unguarded boob or they will turn into a gropey-grabby Missouri lawmaker.

And if the men protecting America's Most Cosmopolitan City -- just ask any New Yorker -- can't trust other men to act like adults who have seen a breast before, what hope is there for the rest of us bumpkins?