50 Shades of Rubio: Read sexy excerpts from terrible fanfic of President Rubio defeating ISIS
Sen. Marco Rubio (Facebook)

If you are like me, you probably can't wait for child politician Marco Rubio to become our next U.S. president and save the planet from both ISIS and a minimum wage increase.

Since becoming a part-time member of the U.S. Senate, the Florida wunderkind has been called a conservative "rock star," streaking across the firmament on a course to softly touch down in the White House.

With Rubio being the only career GOP politician keeping pace with the "clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy" and Dr. Hammertime McStabby, he is very likely to be the Republican nominee after establishment party leaders finally quit catering to their meth-addled base.

With this in mind, conservative columnist Kurt Schlichter -- who served in the U.S. military so he would totally know this stuff-- has penned some lusty Marco Rubio war-porn fanfic to get you pulse racing and the blood flowing downhill to your naughty regions.

In this tale, the strapping young Cuban-American takes on dreaded villain ISIS with the help of "Wildman," and tag teams the crap out of them.

Here are a few of the money shots, as it were:

"When I was elected, I told you I wanted to be briefed on your plan to utterly destroy ISIS, General,” the President said. He was young and usually quite calm, but as a Cuban-American son of immigrants, he understood tyranny and knew how to deal with it. “General, what you gave me are timid half-measures that don’t begin to meet the intent I expressed to you. Now, I may not have served myself, but I understand the old game of manipulating civilian leadership by providing just the options you want instead of the ones the commander-in-chief requested. You’re relieved of command, General. Fired. Agents, show the general out.'"

Warmed up yet? Then bring out the Gimp "Wildman":

He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.” As the Secret Service agents bum rushed the stunned four star out of the Oval Office, the President took the phone.

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname. President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander. He answered, then listened.

“General, this is the President. We need you. I am ordering you off the retired list and back to active duty as CENTCOM commander, effective immediately. I want to see your plan for the total destruction of ISIS in 72 hours. Your rules of engagement are simple. Wipe them out.”

Here's a little somethin' somethin' for the Koch brothers -- the poor are gonna help pay for the new war and 60 percent of America gets a boner because of that:

“Our goal is simple. We are going to destroy ISIS and kill its members. There will be no negotiations, no hesitation, no hands tied behind our backs. They wanted war. They will have it,” said the President. The new GOP Senate majority leader dispensed with the filibuster, and the declaration of war passed easily. The President also announced that all Americans must pay their fair share to support the war effort, and imposed a temporary 7% payroll tax on working Americans. Those not working must also pay their fair share too, he said; he signed a bill cutting all social programs 7% and shifting the savings to the military. The Democrats went ballistic; the President’s approval rating hit 60%.

President Rubio tells the Iraqi prime minister to "suck it":

The Iraqi prime minister called the President to complain that he had never given permission for any of this; the President informed the Iraqi leader that America wasn’t asking.

Dumb story made short...it totally works:

It had been critical for ISIS to maintain its caliphate, a physical nation state-like territory where it could govern, where it could plan and train, and where the fools and psychopaths who bought into its sick philosophy could gather. The Wildman understood this, and he set out to ruthlessly dismember the Islamic State, to kill its members, and to demonstrate to a Middle East that doubted American power and resolve under the feckless Barack Obama that America was still the proverbial strong horse. There would be no half-measures, no ambiguous ending.

And it's a "happy ending" at that:

When the war ended after two months, the President’s popularity was 80% and the final body count was 26,763 ISIS fighters dead... And it would be years before any terrorist group dared again threaten the United States.

The end.

You may now light up a cigarette...