Previously I happened to kind of mention in passing something or other about people who have the most punchable faces in the U.S. Now, as the year draws to a close, I thought it was important to honor people who have truly excelled this past twelve months in the fine art of being so obnoxious or so horrific that they would make the Baby Jesus ball up his tiny Baby Jesus little fist and swing so hard he comes out of his adorable Baby Jesus sandals.
You know what I mean. Sometimes you just have to tell your inner Gandhi to sit the hell down while you go straighten someone out using the only method that gets their attention.
As I pointed out before:
The desire to pop a particular person in the face is generally rooted in some backstory — evidence of inexcusable behavior, a history of being a terrible person who is somehow beyond the reach of even God’s punishment, and quite simply: for being a major dick.
What sets them apart for all of the other dicks — like for example, every person who drives a black BMW — is a certain look on their face that has a triggering effect. A smirk, a sneer, the droopy-eyed too-cool-for-you look.
Those are the punchable ones.
As I also pointed out, I’m not saying that anyone should actually punch any of these people in the face — or better yet — in the genitals, because THAT WOULD BE WRONG. But, as Debbie Harry once sang: “Dreaming is free.”
The ground rules again: Women are off limits. Yeah, it’s sexist, so go ahead and call me a misogynist. Whatever.
Rule #2: They are all Americans. We have more than enough at home to tire our arms out from sweeping hooks. No need to go looking off-shore for someone to fill a spot an American can easily fill.
Rule #3: No real punching. This a dream list, not a piece of evidence to be introduced at your trial for assault or “aggravated dick-punching” — which I think is a real charge.
So let’s get this punch party started, and yes, you’ll notice a few returnees from the earlier list because some people are so obnoxious that one good punch may not be enough.
Owner of punchable face: George Zimmerman
Occupation: Former neighborhood watchman, acquitted murderer, domestic disturbance aficionado, potentially the worst boyfriend you’ll ever have.
The face: “I got away with it” smirk.
Crimes against humanity: Stalked and got away with killing Trayvon Martin for the crime of being a black teen. Has conducted a reign of terror since then against girlfriends (all of whom apparently have exquisitely bad taste in men), Muslims, and society in general. Oh yeah, got banned from Twitter for posting a picture of a girlfriend and saying she boned a “dirty Muslim.” This was AFTER he retweeted a picture of a dead Trayvon Martin.
Owner of punchable face: Josh Duggar
Occupation: Eldest child of serial-humping Christian TV stars, sister groper, fired evangelical spokesman, Ashley Madison member in good standing.
The face: Plaintive “Jesus forgives me, why can’t you?” face.
Crimes against humanity: Groped his pre-teen sisters then held self up as a paragon of Christian virtues. Waged fundamentalist jihad on gays while he was diddling hookers and God knows what else he encountered through Ashley Madison — a dating site for people who cheat on their spouses. Does get credit for helping bring down his creepy parents’ media empire, so he has that going for him when he tries — and fails — to get into Heaven.
Owner of punchable face: Bill Cosby
Occupation: Comedian, formerly America’s dad, craft cocktail maker, ladies’ man — but only if she is unconscious
The face: Arrogance in the face of overwhelming crimes against women
Crimes against humanity: We were never sure what kind of doctor Cliff Huxtable was on TV, and now we know that he was a combination pharmacist and OB-GYN — in the worst possible way. We have lost count of how many women Cosby “allegedly” sexually assaulted, but if you are female, lived in Hollywood, and never met privately with him — count your self lucky.
Owner of punchable face: Martin Shkreli
Occupation: Social pariah, ex-pharma CEO-BRO, Wu Tang Clan vinyl owner, guest of federal authorities
The face: “You want me? Come and get me!”
Crimes against humanity: Consider your self “gotten.” Reviled jacker-upper of pharmaceutical prices thought he was all “gangsta” for becoming famous. Turns out he was just a petty bilker of investors on Wall Street — without the cover of being the CEO of either Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan. You won’t be seeing his punchable face around much longer unless you are reading this in a federal prison in upstate New York. Shit just got real, bro.
Owner of punchable face: Texas Sen. Ted Cruz
Occupation: Shit talker and Texas senator (which is redundant, I know), surging GOP presidential candidate, evangelical voter boy-toy.
The face: Sleepy-eyed smarm mixed with a grease coating.
Crimes against humanity: Has done nothing of value since being elected to the U.S. Senate other than make bold pronouncements, promote himself and piss off his colleagues — all of which makes him the perfect GOP presidential candidate. And he might be right. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a human face on TV that you want to punch – forever. That is President Cruz.
Owner of punchable face: Ben Shapiro
Occupation: Internet tough guy, Breitbart editor, Lena Dunham foe, ex-virgin
The face: Just look at that face. C’mon. If you don’t want to punch it, you at least want to shove him into a locker or give him a wedgie.
Crimes against humanity: Shapiro jumped to the big leagues from professional Internet virgin to “guy with no real world experience who has opinion” when Andrew Breitbart plucked him from obscurity — and then later died, leaving us to clean up the mess. Shapiro likes to talk a tough game, but then piddles on his belly like a puppy when he leaves his boy-cave and gets transwoman-handled.
Owner of punchable face: Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton
Occupation: Senator, warmonger, man who dreams nightly of being back in Afghanistan so he can kill and kill again.
The face: Rabid “Kill all the Muslims, let their dirt God sort them out” face
Crimes against humanity: Imagine the television serial killer Dexter — but without the personality and warmth. That would be the freshman senator from Arkansas who sent a letter to Iranian leaders telling them to not waste their time negotiating a nuclear treaty with Obama because “He’s not the boss of me.” What a dick.
Owner of punchable face: Walter Palmer
Occupation: Animal murderer, liar, coward, lousy shot, whiner, dentist
The face: Brilliantly white teeth surrounded by a sphincter
Crimes against humanity: Palmer used a bow and arrow to wound a beloved and protected lion, leaving it to suffer for almost 24 hours before his gang of hired hands could finish it off because he sucks as a bow hunter no matter what he tells barmaids. Found out, he ran like a scared bunny and hid, thereby negating any man points he thought he had earned by being The Great White Hunter. He makes the list again because he suffered no real consequences which makes me want to punch him all over again. Only harder.
Owner of punchable face: David Robert Daleiden
Occupation: Anti-choice activist, professional liar, overly enthusiastic film editor.
The face: Blank soul-dead look of a radicalized fundamentalist
Crimes against humanity: Daleiden is the face of the deceptively named Center for Medical Progress who spent over a year creating deceptively-edited films accusing Planned Parenthood of selling baby parts for profit. It all turned out to be bullshit that was only believed by women haters like himself — and Carly Fiorina. As a result Planned Parenthood took a bit of a financial beating and has come under actual physical attacks by like-minded people, including one man who is similar to Daleiden — but without the grooming.
Owner of punchable face: Daniel Holtzclaw
The face: Rape face
Crimes against humanity: Don’t let the picture of Holtzclaw crying fool you. He was found guilty on 18 out of 36 charges of raping 12 black women and a teen while serving as an Oklahoma cop. And if that doesn’t make you want to punch him, as he was leaving the courtroom, the weeping Holtzclaw asked the all-white jury, “How could you?” Something he obviously never asked himself.
Owner of punchable face: Donald Trump
Occupation: Billionaire developer, presidential candidate, unstoppable gas leak of noxious fumes disguised as “ideas,” tacky person.
The face: He looks just like Donald Trump.
Crimes against humanity: It is questionable if Trump belongs on the list since — to his credit — he has done more damage to the GOP than anyone since Sarah Palin stomped her way across the land in her Naughty Monkey slingbacks. But Trump’s heady brew of nativism, racism, and fascism — all in the name of advancing his “brand” while putatively running for President — has made the underlying bigotry of America rise to the surface like a toxic flume. We don’t care that he is running his campaign as a rich man’s lark — in his case, a reality show made flesh — but he has made it dangerous for anyone who is brown-skinned to walk the streets of America for fear of encountering a Trump fan who wants to “Make America great again” by using their fists and their boots. Or worse.