The National Rifle Association is reaching out into a new branch of political advocacy: children’s stories.
On their NRA Family site, along with such articles as “How To Tell When Your Child is Ready To Learn About Guns,” and “9 Concealed Carry Purses For Summer and Spring,” is a new running feature where some classic fairy tales get some Second Amendment modernization.
The great purpose of these old fables was to teach kids not to talk to strangers (and certainly not to take candy from them). But these revised tales offer a different solution: Arm the kids!
The latest installment, “Hansel and Gretel (Have Guns),” features the brother and sister pair putting their firearms knowhow to good use to help their parents in hard economic times.
Fortunately, they had been taught how safely to use a gun and had been hunting with their parents most of their lives. They knew that, deep in the forest, there were areas that had never been hunted where they may be able to hunt for food. They knew how to keep themselves safe should they find themselves in trouble. The next morning, before dawn, they left a note for their parents, and gathered their hunting gear. They headed into the forest, grateful that they had the skills to help their family, and were old enough to go out on their own.
In the original story, of course, they were abandoned in the woods.
After taking out squirrels, rabbits, and “a magnificent 10-point buck,” the siblings come across the witch’s candy house — where two other siblings, apparently brothers, were being kept and fattened up. But after rescuing the boys out of the house, the kids head back to the village:
Their parents were overjoyed to see them come home from their hunting trip with meat for the pot, and shocked to hear of their adventure in the witch’s cottage. After reuniting the boys with their parents, it was time to take on the witch…and get some hunting done in the meantime. Villagers, prepared with rifles and pistols, headed into the forest, Hansel and Gretel leading the way.
When they came upon the witch’s cottage, the sheriff locked her into the cage in which the boys had been locked just the night before, to be taken away so she could never harm another child. The sheriff stood guard as the villagers hunted, coming back with more game than they had been able to find in months. There in the woods, the village held a feast.
The witch’s cottage made for an excellent dessert.
This article is a follow-up on a previous tale, “Little Red Riding Hood (Has a Gun),” in which the eponymous child and her grandmother end up going all Quentin Tarantino on the Big Bad Wolf:
Red was as surprised as the wolf, for she had not thought she would see him again, and certainly not at her Grandmother’s house. “Grandmother!” she cried, “Are you all right?”
“Of course, dear,” Grandma replied, soothing her granddaughter, “Now, let’s get this wolf tied up.”