Joel Dongsteen is on Twitter to impart some glorious wisdom to replace all that “God” stuff in pastor Joel Osteen’s tweets. The famous Texas pastor with the bright pearly smile may bring thousands to Jesus on his televised church service each Sunday, however, his enlightenment doesn’t come close to some of the tweets Dongsteen comes up with.
The automated twitter account removes every reference to “God” and replaces it with the phrase “your d*ck.” The bot has been in existence since 2013 with hardly any of the notoriety it so richly deserves.
You’ll never be truly happy if you’re only focused on yourself. When you help others succeed, your dick will help you succeed.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 28, 2016
This one isn’t actually far off from reality:
People don't determine your destiny; your dick does.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 10, 2013
Your dick loves you too much to open wrong doors. Your dick is not letting you down. He is doing you a favor.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 8, 2013
Some are so hilariously sexualized you wonder how the real Joel Osteen was even to tweet his own version:
Your dick deposited a gift, a treasure inside of you, but you have to do your part and bring it forth.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 4, 2013
This is likely the truth for most teenage boys.
Your dick has it all figured out. He will make a way where you don’t see a way.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) March 25, 2013
You are your dick’s biggest deal. You are the apple of His eye. Don’t limit your dick. He wants to be good to you.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) March 15, 2013
It’s better to please your dick and have a few people upset with you than to please people and have your dick upset with you.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) July 5, 2014
And those showers will be golden.
Your dick says, “I’m going to send rain to your barren places. It’s not over. I’m going to rain down new opportunities, new dreams.”
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) July 18, 2014
It’s true, your d*ck will always be right there in front of you. Literally.
You can run the other way, but you can’t outrun your dick's mercy.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) January 4, 2015
Especially in times of loneliness:
Your dick can take your darkest hour and turn it into your brightest hour. Be at peace. He can turn any situation around.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) January 7, 2015
Sometimes your d*ck has a mind of his own. Apparently, that’s a good thing and you should let His wisdom guide you toward your own salvation.
You don’t have to apologize for what your dick has done in your life. Wear your blessings well.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) January 22, 2015
The “rise and shine” effect is something I’m sure many men are familar with.
When you are heavy with your dicks favor, you will arise and He will make you shine!
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) February 9, 2015