“Hello, New York! Bow before me!” Cartoon Donald Trump exclaimed on Wednesday’s “Late Show with Stephen Colbert.”
But Cartoon Trump’s real purpose on the “Late Show” was to mock his GOP rival Ted Cruz as much as he could. “Yeah, I beat Ted Cruz, or as I like to call him: Dead Loose! Get it, Stephen? Because he lost and he looks like a dead person brought back to life. He’s the ‘Walking Ted’ because he’s barely running. I could go out all night, unlike Ted Cruz and his tiny Canadian penis.”
Colbert asked the cartoon what he meant by bringing “showbiz” to the Republican National Convention in a few months in Cleveland. Cartoon Trump explained that Democracy is actually a “snooze-fest. You gotta zazz it up and I got glitz and glamor coming out of my razmataz hole.” If you’ve never heard of that he clarified that it is rectum adjacent.
His plan to spice up the convention is to gold plate the entire city of Cleveland, including the people. “Then I ride in on a chariot pulled by showgirls dressed like Lady Liberty. And unlike the real statue, these girls are tens. Then I take my throne and announce my vice president nomination, Optimus Prime and together we will transform America to be great again and roll credits.”
If anyone else attempts to bribe Trump’s delegates with free stuff, he’s well prepared with jets, bouncy castles, shrimp and other free stuff of his own, including Arsenio Hall dressed like a shrimp. If Cruz tries to outspend Trump he predicts a forecast of cash raining down with a chance of Benjamins. “Oh, and Harriet Tubman, black people love me.”
Check out the video below for a special moment where Trump reveals he has meerkats living in his hair.