Quantcast
Connect with us

Samantha Bee crushes Kasich and Cruz for trying to invent a form of math that might help them win

Published

on

Samantha Bee explaining how Cruz and Kasich have no chance (Screen capture)

It is mathematically impossible for Gov. John Kasich and Sen. Ted Cruz to win in the first ballot of voting at the GOP convention in July. Where they are winning, according to Samantha Bee’s “Full Frontal,” is in the state of denial.

In Kasich’s town hall with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, Kasich said that he’s looking at what President Abraham Lincoln did at the GOP convention when he came from behind and ultimately became the nominee. The problem is that Lincoln was in second place and Kasich is in fourth. “Yes, you’re in fourth place! Out of three! Behind the ghost of Marco Rubio,” Bee said on Monday night’s show.

ADVERTISEMENT

According to CNN, Kasich would have to win 162 percent of the remaining states left to be the nominee. “What’s your plan? Wait until the Republican party has slaughtered itself, then mosey onto the battlefield and suck the marrow from the delegates’ bones for strength?” Bee asked.

But when it came to the math lesson, it was Ted Cruz who explained in an interview that Kasich has no shot mathematically. Although, when it came time for Cruz to face the same reality, suddenly “Ted remembered that modern math was invented by the Greeks, who also invented homosexuality. And we should just pray them both away,” Bee said.

Cruz even asked a rally audience to come out and vote for him ten times, a request that is not only impossible — it’s also voter fraud. “No! Think bigger, Ted!” Bee suggested. “You need a political bombshell!”

But now, they’ve formed an alliance like some kind of homoerotic cartoon to defeat Donald Trump. That said, “Cruz needs Kasich the way an octopus needs an ice-unicycle,” Bee joked.

Bee explained that she doesn’t mean to diss the cartoonish idea of two sworn enemies coming together to defeat a big, hairy, orange villain. “But a vicious, three-way floor fight may detract from the gravitas of the Republican convention.” It’s traditionally a more dignified affair, “graced by such luminaries as an Iditarod banshee,” meaning Sarah Palin. “And a ‘Silver Alert’ ranting at a chair.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Perhaps that is the reason that so many high profile Republicans have suddenly discovered that they’re super busy that week and can’t make it to the convention. While the Republican elected officials are busy washing their hair that week, the good news is that there are no longer three jamokes that are viable. There’s really just one candidate left, Donald Trump. In a style only Trump can master, he wanted to reassure the political establishment that he’s going to shift to being more rational and “presidential.” In fact, he swears he’ll be so presidential that people are going to get bored. It’s cute he thinks that hasn’t already happened with the American electorate.

“But how do you walk back months of racism, xenophobia, misogyny, calls to violence and disinterest to anything even remotely to the business of governing?” Bee wondered. Basically, by being all “sike!” In an interview on the Today Show, Trump explained that he was saying some of these things in jest and as an entertainer. “Oh! So, all the horrible things he said in character as an entertainer don’t count! Kind of like all those murders I committed in character dressed as a clown don’t count!” The problem with this logic is that those negative qualities are what his supporters like most. So, good luck with that.

In the end, the explanation is “the Republican convention is going to be party elites calling the base gullible rubes. While, trying to Romnify their racist messiah, so he can also lose the general election,” Bee said. Now that’s some real entertainment.

ADVERTISEMENT


Report typos and corrections to: [email protected].
READ COMMENTS - JOIN THE DISCUSSION
Continue Reading

2020 Election

Trump campaign in danger of having lawsuits thrown out over unpaid legal bills: report

Published

on

According to a report from Politico, Donald Trump's cash-strapped campaign is frantically attempting to collect settlements in legal disputes because it needs the money to fund other lawsuits that are in danger of being dismissed.

Noting that the campaign of the embattled president is pressing Omarosa Manigault Newman to make a delinquent $52,000 payment for writing an unauthorized book about White House doings, the report explains the money is desperately needed.

Continue Reading

2020 Election

‘Women didn’t like that’: Fox News host grills GOP chairwoman after Trump interrupts ‘145 times’ at debate

Published

on

Fox News host Sandra Smith pressed Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel on Thursday over the idea that President Donald Trump could be punished with a "mute button" after he repeatedly interrupted Democratic candidate Joe Biden at Tuesday's presidential debate.

During an interview on Fox News, Smith noted that the Commission on Presidential Debates is considering changing the rules due to the constant interruptions at the first debate between Biden and Trump.

"At any point when you were watching the debate, did you wish that perhaps President Trump didn't jump in there as much as he did?" Smith wondered.

Continue Reading
 

Breaking Banner

Rod Rosenstein secretly crippled the Mueller investigation: report

Published

on

According to a report from the New York Times, former Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein had a hand in limiting the scope of special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation into ties between Donald Trump's 2016 campaign and the Russians by secretly curtailing an FBI counterintelligence probe.

The report from Michael Schmidt of the Times begins by stating, "The Justice Department secretly took steps in 2017 to narrow the investigation into Russian election interference and any links to the Trump campaign, according to former law enforcement officials," before adding, "But law enforcement officials never fully investigated Mr. Trump’s own relationship with Russia, even though some career F.B.I. counterintelligence investigators thought his ties posed such a national security threat that they took the extraordinary step of opening an inquiry into them."

Continue Reading
 
 
Democracy is in peril. Invest in progressive news. Join Raw Story Investigates for $1. Go ad-free. LEARN MORE