Colbert rips GOP candidate who won’t go away: ‘Quitters never win — but they still beat John Kasich’
Stephen Colbert: Why the hell is John Kasich still running? (Screen capture)

After a detailed analysis of Ted Cruz conspiracy theories, Stephen Colbert wondered why the hell Gov. John Kasich (R-OH) is still in the race. After all, Kasich is even behind Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), who dropped after he got crushed in his own state. "Quitters never win," Colbert said. "But they still beat John Kasich."


Kasich released a bizarre ad this week that is like a political dream showing Kasich winning the convention because delegates "did the right thing and nominated the best candidate in the only election that matters." The convention floor shows balloons falling and Kasich is photoshopped in with his family waving to the crowd. It's weird.

"As long as they're fantasizing, they should have made his vice president that pizza that comes in a box made of pizza," Colbert mocked. "You get the youth vote and the stoner vote."

So, as long as we're fantasizing about things that will never happen, Colbert developed his own ad, where Kasich is the best five-term president in history. He not only balanced the budget and killed ISIS, but he also repelled the spider-beasts back into space. "Then, with seconds left, he threw the winning pass in the Super Bowl, which was caught by John Kasich." It then encourages people not to be discouraged by the likes of Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Donald Trump, because they're going to be the first ones to be devoured by the spider-beast, anyway.

You've got to see this video, it's hilarious: