‘Ted’s dead, baby. Ted’s dead” — misheard dialogue in Pulp Fiction
In order to really appreciate –and enjoy –the absolute and complete obliteration of all of Texas Senator Ted Cruz’s hopes and dreams and reasons to live, after dropping out of the GOP presidential race Tuesday night, you first have to realize that the only person in America who whole-heartedly takes Ted Cruz seriously is Ted Cruz.
The young Ted Cruz who once said that his aspirations included taking “over the world. World domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sorta stuff,” became the older Ted Cruz who was instructed by Jesus to do just that.
According to Cruz’s nutbar dad: “It was as if there was a presence of the Holy Spirit in the room and we all were at awe and Ted, all that came out of his mouth, he said, ‘Here am I Lord, use me. Here am I Lord, I surrender to whatever Your will for my life is.’ And it was at that time that he felt a peace about running for president of the United States.”
Seems perfectly doable if Jesus says so.
The master debater who has always believed that he was the smartest guy in the room came to Washington DC from Texas and immediately set about running for president and never stopped until Tuesday night after suffering through possibly the most humiliating 48 hours of his life in full view of the public.
It’s probably limiting to say that the Cruz campaign was run over by the “Trump train” — expect to hear that ad nauseam all the way to the November election — in the last 48 hours, because it really began when Cruz started campaigning for real in Indiana. It was there, in a state that is still pissed off that Carrier Air Conditioner is shipping 1,400 jobs to Mexico, that Cruz thought it would be a swell idea to announce that Carly Fiorina — who famously laid off 30,000 people at HP — would be his running mate should he win the nomination.
It was all downhill after that.
In order, these things happened:
- Awkwardness at the announcement of Carly as his running mate:
Gotta, uh, hand it to them. This is amazing. https://t.co/pCRGT4sxK0
— Matt Viser (@mviser) May 2, 2016
- Former House Speaker John Boehner calls Ted a “miserable son-of-a-bitch” and compares him to “Lucifer in the flesh”
- Angry and embarrassed Satanists push back after their Dark Lord is compared to Ted Cruz.
- Never-going-to-be-President-or-Veep Carly Fiorina takes a header after introducing Cruz at a rally:
— Raw Story (@RawStory) May 2, 2016
- At a time when Cruz desperately needed to convince Indiana voters to choose him over Donald Trump, his wife — unconvincingly in my eyes — was forced to address rumors that he is the Zodiac killer. And he ends up with headlines like this:
- With the cameras running, Cruz attempts to reason with some Trump meatheads in Indiana. It does not go well and he is asked if he is a Canadian.
- Another Trump meathead tells Cruz he looks like a “fish monster”:
- Trump cites a National Enquirer article stating that Cruz’s dad is connected to the assassination of JFK, and Cruz is actually forced to address it — bitterly and sarcastically, I might add:
“Donald Trump alleges that my dad was involved in assassinating JFK. Let’s be clear: this is nuts,” Cruz told reporters as Indiana voters headed to the polls. “This is just kooky. While I’m at it, I should say, ‘Yes my dad killed JFK, he is secretly Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa is buried in his backyard.'”
And then this happened after Cruz threw in the towel:
Adding insult to injury, Ted Cruz accidentally elbowed his wife in the face after his concession speech. Ouch. 😬 pic.twitter.com/nsroZCm23P
— People Magazine (@people) May 4, 2016
On the plus side, these nightmare-inducing things are still available on Cruz’s website:
One man’s devastating failure at fulfilling his God-directed destiny is another man’s collector’s item.
As God intended, apparently.