‘What if a tanning bed was a person?‘: John Oliver hilariously thumps Anthony Scaramucci’s first week
John Oliver on The Mooch (Photo: Screen capture)

John Oliver is back, after an absurd month of political ups and downs in President Donald Trump's administration. While the HBO host was on summer break, Trump made a surprising series of staff changes and policy decisions that left Oliver wondering how the White House is able to function at all.


When it came to Trump's bizarre Twitterstorm firing transgender people from the military, Oliver called it "hateful as it is pointless."

“But it means we may already be entering the Mad Libs portion of Trump’s presidency, where he just persecutes groups at random: Transgender people are banned from the military, Pacific Islanders can no longer use the postal service, and Jews can no longer high-five. Sorry, Jews,” Oliver joked.

He then moved on to talk about the "maverick" vote made by Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). The drama was desperately amplified by CNN, which followed the play-by-play of each senator as they looked on at senior senator put the nail in the Trumpcare coffin.

Then he turned to the new White House communications director.

"Both Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus have resigned following the appointment as communications director of Anthony Scaramucci, a former hedge funder and Long Islander of the Frickin’ Month for 643 months in a row,” said Oliver. “Scaramucci’s nickname is ‘The Mooch,’ which already sounds like the name of a cow STD. So, uh... neither one of us has been with anyone else, and yet somehow I have The Mooch. Is there anything you need to tell me?”

Oliver went on to cite a strange instances in which Scaramucci decided to quote shamed Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, who was accused of helping to cover up child rape by former assistant Jerry Sandusky, who was fired after the scandal.

“Remember Joe Paterno? What would he say?” asked Scaramucci during a CNN interview. “Act like you’ve been there before. Act with honor and dignity.”

It was later revealed that Scaramucci had a producer credit on an HBO documentary on Paterno starring Al Pacino.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. It is a little loaded quoting Joe Paterno, particularly in the context of ‘everybody needs to keep their mouth shut,’” Oliver said. “The crazy thing is, that whole ‘act like you’ve been there’ quote has been attributed to multiple coaches, including Vince Lombardi, and yet The Mooch still picks the guy who has a ‘Child sex abuse scandal and dismissal’ section on his Wikipedia page. Which is just weird.”

Then there was the profanity-laced tirade to The New Yorker, where he referred to former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus as "a f*cking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac." He went on to blast senior advisor Steve Bannon as someone who can "suck his own c*ck."

“Scaramucci said, ‘I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own c*ck.’ That’s what he said, to a reporter, on the record. There is just no point in anyone being coy about this anymore,” Oliver said, mocking news reporters trying not to say the word "co*k" on television out of fear of angering the FCC.

“That is where we are six months into the Trump administration—with a president who has no major legislative accomplishments, no conception of even the very basics of how his job works, and a communications director who answers the question ‘What if a tanning bed was a person?’” Oliver closed.

Watch the full video below:


Farewell Anthony Scaramucci -- we hardly knew ye by demdonor