President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was taking his toys and moving to a different sandbox. In a tweet, Trump said that he intended to move out of his hometown, New York City, to Florida. While some speculated that the reason had to do with financial protection, Trump claimed it was due to taxes, which Gov. Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) said he never paid anyway.
But it was Washington Post columnist Alexandra Petri who penned an op-ed in the voice of the president to explain his decision. With short sentences and a limited vocabulary, Petri's "Trump" bragged about being a genius and rambled endlessly about all of the terrible things New York City has that he wants nothing to do with.
"When you have great and unmatched wisdom like me, it’s not so hard to see the beginnings of things, and it is not hard to see the ends of things, either," the fake Trump wrote.
"New York has so many things that would dazzle a little boy from Queens," Petri wrote as Trump. "I hear it has a subway, which is so nasty. It has the Empire State Building, a tiny, bad building without a Trump logo on it. It has Central Park, which is full of germs and people, and it has the Statue of Liberty, a big lady who doesn’t look so good, not so good after all these years, a bit green in the face, and the things she says are not so smart. Not smart, folks!"
Trump, who has high standards for "beauty" is well known to any who saw him berating beauty queen Alicia Machado for being too "fat" for his taste.
The fake Trump explained that he loved New York City, but not in the "gross" way that makes you "weak." That's why he continued to stay in the city.
"I remember when my publicist and I first moved to Manhattan," the fake Trump said. "We needed new faces. All the old faces of contractors were upset, they whined and sobbed, they said, pay me, pay me, please. But I didn’t pay them. New York was a wonderful place, a brass jungle where dreams were made of, where you did not have to pay the people who built the dreams.
"But the city changed. They say I changed, but you know. I remember," Petri continued as Trump. "One morning I woke up and something was different. There was a time when there were so many mobsters in my office that I worried about inviting cameras in to film the first season of “The Apprentice.” Where everything was brass, or at least brazen. When the smell of graft rose up from the whatever the river is called, and it was a good place to have a family, to not change your kids’ diapers in. Did the city change, or did I, or did the tax rate, or did the ongoing prosecution by the SDNY?"
She closed by saying that Melania disagrees, but he's moving to Mar-a-Lago anyway.
"Very bad for the city! But that is how it is. It used to be better. It used to be great, like America," Petri closed in Trump's voice.