Daily Show: Romney never recovered from being a douchebag
Jon Stewart commented Thursday on Mitt Romney's suspension of his presidential campaign, suggesting that "perhaps it's a smart move."
"Mitt Romney's a businessman," Stewart continued, "and after discovering he spent $35 million of his own money to buy himself 269 delegates, Romney has finally accepted the reality that he is New Coke."
"So who was Mitt Romney, now that it's over?" Stewart mused. "Throughout his campaign, he'd seemed to many a cipher, devoid of principle, a salt-and-pepper, man-shaped polymer casing for a spiritual vacuum."
Stewart then played a clip of Romney announcing his withdrawal by saying, "I feel I have to now stand aside for our party and for our country."
"Mitt Romney loves America so much that he could not and would not subject it to a Mitt Romney presidency," said a choked-up Stewart.
"I'd be making it easier for Senator Clinton or Obama to win," Romney continued. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."
"So if Mitt Romney keeps running for president, the terrorists win," Stewart concluded. But that comment may not have seemed trenchant enough to him, because he asked for the clip to be played a second time. After apologizing for not having his writers there to help him, Stewart offered, "Let me just see if I can very quickly just whip something up here -- ooh, ooh, I've got something. Fuck you!"
Stewart next played a collage of Romney soundbites warning that "the liberals haven't given up" and that "the attack on faith and religion" along with "tolerance for pornography ... and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare" mean that we have to
"fortify marriage through constitutional amendment so liberal judges cannot continue to attack it" or else run the risk that "we could become the France of the 21st century."
"Is this out of a conservative speech Mad Lib book?" Stewart asked in dismay.
Stewart then turned to senior correspondent Jason Jones and asked, "What happened to the Romney campaign?"
"He was well-funded, and he certainly looked the part," answered Jones, "but I don't think the Romney camp ever recovered from the fact that Mitt Romney is a douchebag."
"So you're suggesting in the end, America will not elect a douchebag?" Stewart asked.
Jones clarified his analysis, explaining, "Many of America's presidents have been huge douchebags, but in those cases they had the support of their base -- you know, the other douchebags."
"But Romney..." prompted Stewart.
"Even the douchebags didn't go for him."
This video is Comedy Central's A Daily Show, broadcast February 7, 2008.