Rush Limbaugh wins 'unsexiest' man of the year award
John Byrne
Published: Thursday March 26, 2009

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The man who touted 'Barack the Magic Negro' and mocked Michael J. Fox for allegedly faking Parkinson's disease has beaten out the man who stole nearly $65 billion for a dubious accolade.

Rush Limbaugh, mocked as "Jabba the Nut" by free weekly Boston Phoenix, has been selected as the ugliest man of the year by the paper. The 99 runner-up unsexiest men of the year can be viewed at this link.

"America’s ugliest moment of 2009? Rush Limbaugh, his man-boobs a-jiggle, bouncing at the CPAC podium to bask in the sickly glow of conservatism’s orgy of greed, avarice, and arrogance," the paper writes. "Here, at last, was the shining image of the 21st century Republican Party: a leeringly rich Baby Boomer squatting at the top of the mountain, reaping his jollies from the suffering of those at the bottom, praying for the failure of hope.

"If this hypocritical and morally repugnant reformed Oxy junkie wants to discuss “failure,” maybe we should talk about his career as an NFL commentator — or the last time he detoxed off prescription smack," they add.

Number two? Chris Brown who they say is imitating "Ike Turner's worst traits" and brings "new meazning to the phrase 'hit record,' citing his recent spat with star Rihanna. Number three: Bernie Madoff, the man who mounted the largest Ponzi scheme in history.

Also notable is the Phoenix's #4: Jim Cramer, of CNBC, who was recently lambasted by Comedy Central's Jon Stewart for his histrionics and history in pushing stocks.

"CNBC's Jim Cramer is the Jenna Jameson of financial reporting: the more the economy took it in the rear, the louder his screams of ecstasy became," the Phoenix says. "We had this loudmouthed, prop-wielding financial Gallagher on our list a full year before he got pwned by Jon Stewart — but in 2009, Cramer wins our most-devolved award, streaking up the list from his 91st-place showing in 2008 to now land inside the top 10. How’d we figure it? Simple calculation: we moved him up a spot every time the market went down like a porn star — and added bonuses every time he whimpered 'I should’ve done better.'"

They dub Cramer "Crock Broker."

Michael Kamrava, the man who artificially inseminated a mother with octuplets, makes number 9. The paper calls him Dr. Octogynecologist and says, "looking at this Telly-Savalas-meets-Dr.-Evil, it suddenly makes sense: maybe this is the only way he can get women pregnant."

The paper explains, "To the masses, unsexiness is defined in superficial ways — pores big enough to drive Hummers through, and hair that grows like kudzu in unwanted places, and unexplained protuberances. Think Danny Bonaduce or Carrot Top (or virtually any man you can think of with red hair). To the faceless myrmidons here at Phoenix Unsexy Headquarters, however, unsexiness is an altogether different quality, defined instead by gypping jillions out of charities or punching your girlfriend or yelling at your cinematographer."

"Our annual survey of the year’s Unsexiest Men is a corrective to this sort of deplorable behavior," the Phoenix editors write. "Assembled by a watchful team with a low tolerance for hypocrisy, wastefulness, and unfunny comedians, our list holds men accountable for their rampantly unsexy ways. Consider this list a compendium of social subpoenae from the High Court of Sexiness."

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