My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell will not be getting his cell phone back any time soon, even after his new lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, demanded it from a federal court in their First, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Amendment lawsuit against Attorney General Merrick Garland and FBI Director Chris Wray.
Lindell's phone was seized by federal agents at a Minnesota Hardee's drive-thru after a duck hunting trip the shredded foam entrepreneur and right wing conspiracy theorist recently took. Last week he accused the federal government of engaging in "Gestapo tactics" for taking his phone, despite a warrant that shows he is reportedly under investigation for possible identity theft, conspiring to damage a protected computer connected to a suspected voting equipment security breach, and conspiracy to defraud the United States.
On Tuesday Dershowitz and three other attorneys filed suit against the DOJ in a Minnesota federal court.
On Wednesday Dershowitz and the other attorneys filed a memorandum demanding the judge appoint a special master, and in an interview on Lindell's streaming video website went so far as to state, “What we’re seeking is what President Trump got in the Mar-a-Lago case, the appointment of a special investigator to look into this – or return of the cell phone.”
"Denied," he wrote in his ruling, while criticizing the attorneys' work, presumably including Dershowitz's.
"Plaintiffs," Judge Tostrud wrote, "have not served Defendants [Garland and Wray] with the Complaint, or at least Plaintiffs have not yet filed any proof of service."
That was just the first slap.
Lindell's attorneys, including Dershowitz, had said the seizure of Lindell's phone constituted an "emergency," and filed a request for a temporary restraining order.
Judge Tostrud spent the next several pages of his Thursday order explaining all the technical and legal reasons why the motion requesting Lindell's phone be returned were faulty or just wrong.
Among them: "A temporary restraining order is an 'extraordinary remedy.'"
Other legalese include, "The request does not comply with Rule 65(b)," "With respect to subparagraph (b)(1)(B), however, Plaintiffs’ attorney filed no certification," and "Plaintiffs do not discuss the Rule or cite any authority that might explain why the cellphone’s return is appropriate under the Rule."
Other damning language includes, "But that’s it," "that’s understating things," and "it would be a stretch to grant relief."
Then there's this one: “It is a familiar rule that courts of equity do not ordinarily restrain criminal prosecutions.”
The Judge even cites Wednesday evening's 11th Circuit smack-down of Donald Trump's attempt to claim 100 classified documents may or may not be classified but should be returned to him, in his criticisms.
Top national security attorney Brad Moss referred to that as he mocked Dershowitz, saying, "nice lawyering, sir."