Here are the 6 biggest hysterical right-wing freakouts after last week's Supreme Court rulings

1. Mike Huckabee had a very difficult week.

Sensing the tide of history and the Supreme Court going against him, Mike Huckabee called on conservative Christians to engage in a massive "Biblical disobedience" campaign against the "false god of judicial supremacy," in advance of the Supreme Court decision in favor of gay marriage this week. Not clear what exactly constitutes “biblical disobedience,” but whatevs.

The GOP presidential aspirant went on to compare the gay marriage act to the Dred Scott case that upheld the Fugitive Slave Act, which is odd to say the least, since legalizing gay marriage is a step forward for civil rights, saying in a way that gay people are fully human, and Dred Scott was, of course, a terrible distortion of justice that said black people were not.

So, huh? But then again, the ideological conservative Christian brain does not trouble itself with such logical inconsistencies.

After the ruling, Huckabee reacted in a Fox News segment with Megyn Kelly with another completely insane comparison, “I will not acquiesce to an imperial court any more than our Founders acquiesced to an imperial British monarch. We must resist and reject judicial tyranny, not retreat."

This was too much even for Kelly, who tried to give the Huckster a brief lesson in Constitutional Law. “How do you not accept it?” she asked incredulously. “Like it or not, the (Supreme Court) gets the final say.”

But lest you think there’s been some breakout of sanity and humanity on Megyn Kelly’s show, she also invited her pal Tony Perkins, head of the anti-LGBT hate group Family Research Council, to discuss the decision. Shockingly, he too was glum about it.

2. Everything has gone dark for Ted Cruz.

So many Texas politicians are despairing about the Supreme Court decisions this week, a massive pity party might be in order. Ted Cruz was definitely crying in his beer. At least the poor fella found a sympathetic ear on Sean Hannity’s radio show.

“Today is some of the darkest 24 hours in our nation’s history,” Cruz said without any regard to subject verb agreement. “Yesterday and today were both naked and shameless judicial activism.”

Hannity concurred. “I couldn’t say it more eloquently.” (Unless, of course, he injected grammar into the statement.)

As we all learned in school, judicial activism is when you don’t agree with the high court’s decision. This is a universal truth. “It is lawless, and in doing so, they have undermined the fundamental legitimacy of the United States Supreme Court,” Cruz continued portentously and nonsensically.

3. Louie Gohmert completely freaks out, recommends fleeing country since that's what God did.

God is going to be very very mad at us, according to Texas tea partier Louie Gohmert. He predicts a noticeable drop-off of God’s protection of the good ol' U.S. of A. now that we’ve gone and legalized gay marriage.

“Founders and leaders including George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and most all of the Presidents have noted that it is God who has been the source of this nation’s unfathomable blessings,” Gohmert stated. “But if Moses, Jesus, and contributors to the Bible were correct, God’s hand of protection will be withdrawn as future actions from external and internal forces will soon make clear. I will do all I can to prevent such harm, but I am gravely fearful that the stage has now been set.”

And if that does not convince people, how about this? Gohmert argued, “It is a tragic and ominous day for the United States when a decision by five unelected justices of the U.S. Supreme Court blatantly violates the law in order to destroy the foundational building block for society provided by Nature and Nature’s God — that was stated as divine law by Moses and Jesus."

Get a grip, Gohmert.

4. Bobby Jindal continues to demonstrate how the Republican Party really is the party of stupid.

Bobby Jindal, the brainiac former Louisiana governor who showed how he’s going to smarten up the Republican Party by allowing creationism to be taught as science in his state’s public schools, had a characteristically brilliant reaction to the Supreme Court decisions affirming the right to same-sex marriage. "If we want to save some money let's just get rid of the court."

Jindal, who just launched his 2016 presidential campaign on Wednesday, calmly blasted the decision the first step in an "all-out assault" on Christians' religious liberty.

So, not hysterical or anything.

5. Bill Kristol: "Polygamy, here we come."

That's all. That's what the right-wing pundit tweeted. This connection seems perfectly obvious and reasonable to him.

6. Pat Boone is really sick of everyone talking about racism when obviously Satan is to blame for the Charleston murders.

Ultra-conservative former child star Pat Boone thinks Obama injected race into the Charleston shootings of nine black churchgoers by avowed white supremacist Dylann Roof. Where on earth would the President or anyone else get that impression? It makes Boone foot-stomping mad, and it makes him want to lecture Obama, like this:

“As the president who came to office, a black man promising to bring people together, a man ideally suited for that job since you were born both black and white, you had a God-given chance to actually proclaim and demonstrate that racial divides and prejudice had greatly diminished and that our society was truly becoming colorblind.”

Thanks, Pat. Thanks also for your other pearls of wisdom on other racially charged crimes, like your comment about Michael Brown being a “very large black man.” That certainly cleared things up about why the unarmed teenager deserved to be shot and killed by a police officer.

Anyway, Dylann Roof’s hate-filled massacre had nothing to do with race, obviously, says Pat. It had everything to do with Satan.

“This boy wasn’t just a sadist, or even criminally insane,” Boone said.  “He was carefully prepared and led by the Devil himself to kill as many Christians as he could. The fact that they were black was an excuse more than a reason.”

There’s only one solution to all this, and it’s the same solution to the whole gay marriage catastrophe, and that is to get right with God, and cast the devil out!