Exclusive: A very important letter from President Donald J. Trump

Dear Undeserving Americans,

It was been many years since I have written you a Very Important Letter, but with all the good news out there right now, I thought it was important for you to hear from me again in this terrific forum of collateral damage, and disintegrating ideas.

I want to remind everybody who is new to reading my Very Important Letters that much like Presidents Jefferson, Franklin and Eisenhowzer before me, my words are terrifically eloquent, sometimes gigantic, and are best read slowly so that you can appreciate their meaning as much as I do.

So I will appreciate it in advance if you could stop doing whatever it is you are doing right now, and give me, your greatest president, all the time I deserve to read slowly on this fine morning. You will thank me for this when you’re done, so you are welcome in advance.

Before I get into all the tremendous things I have done for you since beginning my third term in office, I want to address these ergonomic and horrible job numbers that came out for no, good rotten reason Friday from a very nasty woman who used to work for the traitor, sleepy Joe Biden.

In addition to inexcusably looking like a complete dog in her dress, she has no idea what she is talking about. The economy has never been better in the entire history of America, and all the people I know have never had more money in their pockets. This is important because when all the people I know have money, that means the people they know have lots of money, too, and before you know it we all have lots of money to spend on things you are selling.

WE stimulate YOUR economy and you can thank us all — but mostly me — for that. This isn’t easy on us, and mostly me.

Why just the other day, I bought the tall kid who lives in New York with Melanie, a fancy train set. When I was told he had outgrown that kind of stuff, I bought him a strip club on Long Island.

I hear he is doing very well, and hope to see him during my next trip to the city. I will be bringing three suitcases full of two-dollar bills to stimulate the economy of the strip club. See how that works?

You are welcome in advance for me doing all that for you, for him, and for them. Oh, and let me tell ya, that kid has gotten tall. Not as tall as me yet, but still remarkably and tremendously tall.

So back to this terrible, terrible woman, who could never work in a strip club by the way, for putting out these sanctimonious job numbers yesterday. She obviously hates this country, and for as long as I am around she will never work again. And because of her horrible, disgusting numbers, I will now be the one reporting numbers like this for the foreseeable future, which will basically be a very, very long time because my eyesight is incredibly good as you can imagine, and can foresee many tremendous and not so tremendous things.

Why I’m still the only one who saw me winning the election in 2020.

You’d think I already had enough to do, but these numbers have to be just right, and I will take the time to make sure they are.

For now on, everything I say and report will be the truth, so that you don’t have to worry about it. As your overwhelming president, what is important is what I think is true, because I am really the only one who matters here or knows the truth. I know you appreciate it and worship me when I tell you things straight, whether they are true or not, so you are welcome for me being so straight with you when I could be crooked like Obama.

In addition to giving out all the terrific and sensational numbers we all like to hear, it will also streamline the government process for doing these kinds of things, and save the taxpayer, you, not me (because as you know, I don't pay taxes), lots, and lots of money. So you see I am doing this all for you, and you can thank me for that whenever you feel like it, but just as soon as possible so you don’t forget. Maybe right now.

You’re welcome.

You know, I really can’t believe nobody has thought of this terrific idea before, but I am glad it was me and I expect people will be talking about this for many years and probably centuries. It will be right up there with President Franklin discovering electricity while flying his kite on the White House lawn.

I’m still shocked he wasn’t electrocuted …

That’s a joke, you dummies. Laugh.

What isn’t a joke is all the sensational numbers I will be providing you in the future. You know these outdated elections we have in this country with all the broken down voting machines? Forgot about them. I will be presenting the numbers in the future.

If a result doesn’t sound right to me, I will give you a number that does, and it will be the only thing that really matters.

All numbers for now on will be revised to meet my incredibly high expectations.

I am hoping that if this all goes as planned, you will never have to vote again, and can take more time for yourselves and for me.

You’re welcome.

This will also make things easier for me, because sometimes I need to reward myself for all I have done for you. This isn’t fair to me, but I get it, you can’t think of me all the time, but you can never try hard enough.

I am always here for you, and for me, and plan to be for the next decade or so.

Speaking of making things easier for me, this morning I had another physical with my doctor who told me that my ankles had lost 10lbs. since the last time he checked on them.

This was obviously great news, because I’ve always had sensational ankles. I was always very proud of my ankles and thought they did a terrific job connecting my knees to my feet. Much better than average.

Anyway, after he told me my ankles had lost weight, he made kind of a sad noise.

I asked him why he was making sad noises after bringing me such joy that my ankles had lost weight, and he said, “Well, that’s the good news. The bad news is that you are still 322lbs.”

I told him that number didn’t sound right, especially after all the incredible, sensational work I had done in the state-of-the-arts gym at Mar-a-Lago, home to the fattest steaks and thinnest broads on the planet. Just the other day I walked a plank and bench-pressed my caddie.

So when my doctor insisted on telling me I weighed 322lbs., I fired him.

See how easy that is?

Just so you know, my number is 185lbs., and thanks to that, I’ve never felt better. Light as a feather, and such a weight off my broad shoulders, on which I carry the entire world like Atilla the Hun ...

Well, I’d like to stay here and keeping bringing you incredible numbers, but I have a hard-earned tee time this morning. I’ll be playing with Lindsey, who has become incredibly good at putting numbers on the scorecard that sound right to me.

But before I go, I want to say a prayer for Ghislaine Maxwell, who has been treated so, so terribly by our corrupt, lying, no-good, awful media.

This whole Epstein thing has been incredibly and terrifically hard on me as you can imagine. The guy was stealing girls from me, and now because he killed himself in prison I have to answer for all of it. I don’t know who the jackass was that was president when all this happened, but I’ll tell you what, he should hang like Mike Pence almost did.

Now they are going after Ghislaine who was babysitting all these girls that Jeffrey was stealing from me. Well, not on my watch they’re not. I expect her testimony will clear everything up. She can get a job at the tall kid’s strip joint, and I can go back to feeding everybody numbers that feel right to me.

This has all been so, so unfair to me.

Where was I? Oh yeah, a prayer …

“Dear Father in the artmost skies. Please bring they shepherds to look down on the flocks of people who walk this earth without sandals. See that their ankles don’t swell too much, and that they bring gold, crypto and mirth to thy cradle of wealth. In Moses’s name we ask that my commandments are heard, and that those who stray from the beast are struck down with lightning from the heavens. -Amen”

Sorry, if that wasn’t as powerful as my usual prayer, but I have spent more then enough time on you this morning, and you can thank me for that the very first chance you get.

You’re welcome.

May God bless the fruits on your plane.

-DONALD J. TRUMP

• (D. Earl Stephens is the author of “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters” and in addition to finishing up this latest letter, finished a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes. You can find all his work here.)