There Are So Many More Options If You Want To P*ss Off Liberals

I highly recommend Alex Pareene's dead-on description of what's going on with Ted Cruz and the Republicans who, while also batshit themselves, at least are reality-attached enough to oppose a government shutdown as a petulant kind of revenge for Obamacare. They just want Ted Cruz to go away, but as Pareene explains, they created this problem and now they have to live with it:

To all these critics, the only reasonable response is, hope you enjoy this bed you made for yourselves. Ted Cruz is the right man for the decadent decline stage of the conservative movement, which has always encouraged the advancement of fact-challenged populist extremists, but always with the understanding that they’d a back seat to the sensible business interests when it came time to exercise power. The result has been a huge number of Republican activists who couldn’t figure out why the True Conservatives they kept voting for kept failing to achieve the creation of the perfect conservative state once in office. That led to an ongoing backlash against everyone in the party suspected of anything less than perfect ideological purity. Meanwhile all the crazies got rich simply for being crazy. There’s no longer any compelling reason, in other words, not to act like Ted Cruz, and the result is Ted Cruz.

And if Ted Cruz is reading, all of these columns are only going to strengthen his resolve. Just look at this amazing conservative Facebook image macro shared by Gawker’s Max Read: Cruz is in the company of batshit far-right folk heroes like Allen West and Oliver North, people revered as much because of the disdain they inspire in both liberals and professional conservatives as for their actual beliefs or accomplishments.

This is what they get for building a coalition built around the politics of resentment: Men who resent women, whites who resent black people, straights who resent queer people, etc. Bitter, resentful people whose main political goal is pissing off the liberals tend to not have very good boundaries or limits.

With that in mind and in response to this tweet, I thought it would be useful to list some things that conservative politicians can do that will definitely piss off liberals and help rally the base, long term political consequences be damned:

1. Tear the still-beating heart out of a puppy on live TV and proceed to eat it.
2. Go around tripping elderly women, and when they cry out, say, "You think that hurts? Wait until I take away your Medicare!"
3. Force PBS to air various "Real Housewives" TV programs instead of "Sesame Street".
4. Declare the President's citizenship a fraud, and use that as a pretext to impeach him.
5. Create a real-life version of the Hunger Games, and claim that the proceeds from ticket sales will be replacing the income tax as a source of government income.
6. Ban oral sex. Oh wait, they're already on that.
7. And absolutely, start taking dumps in public, preferably on the floor of the House. When people start objecting, run to right wing talk radio and explain that your critics are nanny state liberals who are hiding behind the discredited germ theory to emasculate red-blooded, shit-flinging American males.

If you can redeem Ollie North, you can sell anything on the "piss off the liberals" front. So get to work, Republicans!