Here's how Trump will mouth off at the Pearly Gates

There is just so much back-and-forth going on between Donald Trump and Jesus Christ right now that I had a feeling the two must be secretly meeting and trying to figure each other out. And it turns out I was right.

In this Raw Story exclusive, I was able to eavesdrop on the president of the United States and our Lord and Savior as they talked shop.

Here is what I managed to scribble down:

Donald Trump: “So this is it. This is The Guy. I’ll be honest. I expected more. Bigger presence. People talk about you like you’re the greatest ever. I’ve seen greater.”

Jesus Christ: “What were you hoping to see, my son?”

Trump: “Strength. Authority. A winner. Not…this.”

Christ: “And what is ‘this’?”

Trump: “Soft. Quiet. You let people walk all over you. Meanwhile, I’m not buying the whole ‘walk on water’ thing.”

Christ: “I allow people to interact with me however they choose.”

Trump: “And they chose to kill you. Not much of a winning strategy there, pal.”

Christ: “Is that how you measure a life?”

Trump: “It’s how the world measures everything.”

Christ: “I don’t see things in the same fashion. I look at the value of the person. This is how I view achievement.”

Trump: “Yeah sure. Everyone takes advantage of you, uses you and your influence to prop themselves up – including me. You make it WAY too easy.”

Christ: “And yet people find spiritual comfort in the enlightenment I offer.”

Trump: “You talk a good game. But the truth is you’re a disaster. You had the crowd. You had the attention. You could’ve led – really led. Instead, you wandered around, told stories, upset the wrong people.”

Christ: “And what would you have had me do?”

Trump: “Take charge. Build something that lasts out of gold. Put your name on stuff besides churches. No one takes churches seriously. Not really.”

Christ: “What you build will not last.”

Trump: “See, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You disparage what you don’t understand because you’re jealous.”

Christ: “You build monuments to yourself that will crumble shortly after you shuffle off this mortal coil.”

Trump: “Not true. You’re crazy. What I build lasts forever and has my name on it.”

Christ: “I inspire people to build from their sacred dreams. Those structures are indestructible due to their foundation of insight.”

Trump: “I haven’t got the slightest clue what the hell you’re talking about.”

Christ: “And you never will.”

Trump: “Oh really? And why is that?”

Christ: “Because you are concerned only with finding someone or something to defeat. You have no interest in things that stimulate, that motivate, that inspire, that fulfill. You care exclusively about conquering, crushing, annihilating, deflating.”

Trump: “Because that’s what success is all about. I win. You lose. You’re destroyed in the process. And no one wins like me. That’s why the people love me. You’re just a guy who got nailed to a cross. I like my messiahs not crucified.”

Christ: “I died to atone for mankind’s sins. I do not view that as a loss so much as a form of sacrifice, a concept I fear you will never understand.”

Trump: “Oh I understand it, all right. I’ve sacrificed plenty. All of the criticism from losers. All of the lawsuits. All of the disrespect.”

Christ: “You will never comprehend true sacrifice until you embrace humility.”

Trump: “This is all just a load of crap, Jesus. You really think you’re above all of this, don’t you?”

Christ: “No.”

Trump: “Then what is it? Because you stand there like none of it matters – success, power, recognition, all of the things people actually care about.”

Christ: “I care about those who care about themselves.“

Trump: “See, there you go again, spouting gibberish. Exactly what people who never notch a victory say.”

Christ: “This victory of which you speak is not what I am here for.”

Trump: “Oh yeah? What did you come for?”

Christ: “I came to free human beings from the tyranny of self.”

Trump: “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got?”

Christ: “I’m offering people the truth about themselves.”

Trump: “No. You’re offering them failure.”

Christ: “If it is failure that I represent, my son, then why is it that you seem so enchanted by my likeness that you use it and refer to it at every opportunity?”

Trump: “It’s a way to control people. They are so gaga over your religion – the religion you named after yourself, I might add – that they still follow everything they think you taught them about life.”

Christ: “I offer souls a pathway to contentment.”

Trump: “I teach them to avoid failure and turn it into strength.”

Christ: “You turn it into anger.”

Trump: “Anger wins.”

Christ: “For a moment.”

Trump: “Long enough.”

Christ: “To what end?”

Trump: “Domination.”

Christ: “It is a way to divide. I prefer strength through unity and loving one another.”

Trump: “Whatever. You know, for someone people call the Son of God, you haven’t done a very good job proving it.”

Christ: “How would you suggest I prove it?”

Trump: “I don’t know. Turn water into wine. Heal the sick. Cast out demons. Create chaos out of thin air. Something.”

Christ: “You would not believe it even if you witnessed it, as your cynicism clouds your every thought.”

Trump: “Excuse me?”

Christ: “You only believe what serves you.”

Trump: “That’s not true.”

Christ: “You have built your life on it. And in the process, you have left the world stained with your own egoistic vision of the darkness that inhabits your soul.”

Trump: “Oh yeah? Well darkness has worked pretty well for me so far. I’m worth $6.3 billion. What’s your net worth, Christ?”

Christ: “I cannot be measured in materialistic wealth.”

Trump: “That’s what all the losers tell me.”

Christ: “My response is that you are loved.”

Trump: “Who cares? All that matters to me is that I won.”

Christ: “Then you will never achieve what you seek. And you will never be truly satisfied.”

Trump: “You and that Pope Leo are like peas in a pod. Negative, negative, negative. Enjoy your stupid little existence. I’m done.”

Christ: “I will pray for you.”

Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.