Dear America: it's time to make history grate again

Dear Americans who look forward and never backwards in museums,

First, I just want to say you are welcome for me making you safer by invading the disgusting Michael Bolton’s home and grabbing all of my classified documents back. I am told they found many of them buried under his mustache.

Some of that’s a joke, and some of it isn’t, so you’re welcome in advance for me making you laugh this morning.

I just wanted to make sure I got to that early in this Very Important Letter, because there are going to be A LOT of things you need to thank me for before I am threw, so you are once again welcome in advance for tipping you off to all the great things I did this week, and the awful things I have planned for many, many people in the future.

Have you noticed, for instance, how much quieter things are on the Russian front since my award-winning climb atop that summit with Vlad in Alaska? I’m not even sure there is a war going on over there anymore.

I mean, there probably is, but ever since I put my gigantic, size-15 foot down, you hear nothing about it from our disgusting media. That’s the enormous beauty of me: I can make a big deal about something, or even nothing for that matter, and the dirty, rotten, corrupt, awful media will chase me all over the place like dogs.

They better be careful, though, because I’ll whistle for Kristi, and you know what she thinks of dogs …

I can tell my cents of humor is really strong today. I had a solid four hours of sleep last night, after watching reruns of The Apprentice. Those were the days, eh? Who knew we’d get to this beautiful point where not even the voters will be able to fire me?

Anyway, when I say something is over, it’s over, and the media all just go back to their pathetic cubicles and wait for me to tell them what the next important thing will be. In fact, I want to use this Very Important Letter to announce that something incredible will be happening this coming week, and I will once again have the media eating out of my gigantic hands.

I’d tell you what that is going to be, but I am working through my options with my National Security Alert Director, Stephen Miller. He’s a brilliant kid, even if he looks like he could be my father. I have tried to tell him that hanging upside down in my closet isn’t healthy, but he won’t listen. He loves it in there. A little fresh air and sunshine would do him some good, but he prefers the smell of my loafers and darkness.

Even if it’s a little weird, the poor, beaten up white men in this country are better for it. Everything he does while he’s is hanging upside down in the dark and thinking backwards is for them.

Why he’s the one who pointed out how unfair our museums are to white people. I’d like to take credit for that, but because I am an irrelevant leader, I like to give credit where credit is dew.

When he heard about this Smithstonian Museum in my own backyard here in Washington that was making white people feel bad about themselves for a little thing like slavery I blew my top. How dare they point out everything that went wrong there, when so many things went right.

Even President George Jefferson owned slaves and he is recognized right behind me as one of the greatest presidents of all time. That’s because there weren’t any museums that were making him look bad back then. He could just have as many slaves as he wanted while he was president, and doing great things.

That’s how he got his picture on Mount Everest.

This has been so, so unfair to me and the people who vote for me. Why do they need to hear about slavery all the time, when they could be hearing about all the great things white people like me have done for America? I mean with the exception of one very, very bad, terrible, disgusting guy who wasn't even born here, Barack Hussein Obama, all of our presidents have been white.

And I knew that without looking at The History Book, which I am sure is just full of stories about all the terrible things white people have done. That’s why I never read that book, or anything for that matter.

Oh, and all our presidents have been men, too, but nobody wants to talk about that anymore, because it will hurt Democrats’ feelings. Everything hurts their feelings all the time. But nothing hurts my feelings, especially that lamebrain commie Gravin Newscum. See what I did there? Clever. “Newscum” … Stephen would be so proud.

There’s nothing Newscum can say about me that will hurt my tremendous, rock-hard feelings. In fact, I’m not even sure why he thinks he can attack me like that. I have an army. And a navy. And marines. And the NATIONAL GUARDS. What does he have? A Prius?

He’s nothing but a dirty, rotten scoundrel who has stollen my phenomenal style in the way I communicate with my white men. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS??????

Does he think this is funny???? Because WE don’t. But limitation is the greatest form of valor, and I won’t give him the time each day.

He is only making me greater. It doesn’t bother me one bit. Not one aorta.

I could go on and on and on about this but I won't because that will only give him the satisfaction of a doubt that he is getting underneath my incredibly thick skin, which is almost impossible to penetrate. In fact, when they were trying to drain my ankles the other day, they needed a hammer and nails to cut through and put the tubes in.

No need to worry, though, my doctors tell me everything is looking good down there, even if I haven’t been able to see my ankles for years …

Now wear was I?

Oh yeah, Newscum and these dirty, rotten people who are trying to make fun of me by opening all these museums.

Have you noticed there were almost no museums until I came along? All they want to do is point out everything wrong with everything that came long, long before me in this country, and especially slavery.

I never owned any slaves. Just ask any of my Republicans ...

How long are we supposed to go on and on about slavery and not talk about the good parts, and the very fine people who created all those jobs for the starving Black people???

Why aren’t we talking about General Lee’s Gettysburg Address, which I believe was somewhere in Tennessee at the time? Why aren’t we talking about the hundreds of southerners who died fighting to create all those jobs?

Instead, people go to museums and hear about all the bad and terrible things.

Next thing you know there will be museums talking about the helocosts and the bad things white people did there, too. Well, without picking up The History Book, I have been assured nothing that bad really happened in the helocosts by RFKJ. And he knows a thing or two about these things. He’s got a quite a story he tells about Ann Franks, that I won’t repeat here, because I’m not completely sure it’s true, and as you know, like Abraham Lincoln, I never tell a lie.

RFKJ is doing a great job getting rid of our terrible vaccines, which is really all that is important right now. The next time there is a pandemic you have my promise that the economy will be wide open.

Wow, time as really flown by this morning. I could probably go on forever, but I hear Stephen rumbling around in the closet. God only knows what he planned last night.

Before I join Pete at the golf course to get an update on our plans to invade Canada, I just want to thank my Republicans and the tremendous white people, who hate these museums, and blindly do everything I order them to do, because they don’t have a choice.

My God bless your tiny but growing lives, and allow you to keep supporting me no matter what happens in the future.

Don’t ever look back!!!

DONALD J. TRUMP

• (D. Earl Stephens is the author of “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters” and in addition to finishing up this latest letter, finished a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes. You can find all his work here.)