Why you should buy your .sucks domain name before someone else does

Along with .porn, .adult and now more than 500 others, in June .sucks will become another new internet domain. And what’s to stop someone from registering yourname.sucks before you do? Taylor Swift wouldn’t let that happen

Name: .sucks

Age: So new that it doesn’t even exist yet.

Appearance: This is mere speculation, but let’s assume it’s going to be the very worst thing in the entire history of the world.

.Sucks? That sounds like some sort of internet domain. That’s right. From June, you’ll be able to register your very own .sucks website.

What on earth would .sucks be for? One would presume that it’ll primarily be used for sites that specialise in either pornography or complaining.

Really? But that’s all websites. That’s literally the entire internet. Perhaps .sucks is not your bag, then? How about investing in a charming .porn address instead?

No! Why the hell would I want to do that? It would help to identify your website as a hotbed of graphic, throbbing penetration.

Related: Why everyone should register a domain name | Dan Gillmor

But my website isn’t a porn site! It’s just my own personal site! I see. Well then, you don’t want someone else to exploit you by making their own gruesome .porn site with your URL, do you? That would be awful. You’d better register the domain quickly, to protect yourself against that sort of thing.

Hang on a second, this sounds like blackmail. Is this a shakedown? It does look like it, doesn’t it? And a very lucrative one, too – every time we release a new dodgy-sounding domain, celebrities like Taylor Swift snap them up to stop weirdos from exploiting their name.

Really? How much do these domains go for anyway? They can be anything up to £1,674 each.

Dear God. And the best thing is, there are 550 of them now. We keep churning new ones out every month. Brilliant, isn’t it?

So basically, whenever cash looks like it’s running out, you just write down the worst word you can think of, tell Taylor Swift that it’s going to be a domain and she’ll pay you sixteen hundred quid for it? Pretty much. It’s great, isn’t it? Have a go yourself.

Ugh, OK. TaylorSwift.bum. TaylorSwift.erection. TaylorSwift.mexicandonkeyshow. That’s the spirit. You’ve just made yourself five grand. You’re a natural!

I feel so grubby. Grubby but rich, that’s the important thing. Grubby but rich.

Do say: “www.TaylorSwift.ripoff”

Don’t say: “For more great content like this, head over to theguardian.sucks”

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media 2015