A former White House Playboy correspondent wrote a wild speech for Joe Biden

This former Playboy correspondent is mad as hell at Donald Trump and he’s not going to take it anymore, according to the stump speech he’s written for Joe Biden that somehow ties in Winston Churchill and Uncle Buck.

Salon Thursday published Brian Karem’s colorful plea to the U.S. president that Biden bring some John Candy energy when facing off against his strongest opponent in the race to the White House in 2024.

“Watching Donald Trump speak is like watching a festering carbuncle explode in a spray of pus and blood,” writes Karem. “He remains… an infected face wart that John Candy’s Uncle Buck would suggest a rat gnaw off your body.”

Rather than fester in the swamp of his own bitter analogies — “Listening to Donald Trump speak reminds one of … a braying ass with terminal flatulence” — Karem decides to funnel the anger into the speech he’d like Biden to deliver.

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Karem argues Biden’s tenured professor vibe (although this reporter has yet to see a folksy prof quite so fond of sporting aviators) isn’t going to cut it when it comes time to uniting the nation.

Instead, Karem wants Thomas Edison quotes. He wants Kahlil Gibran quotes. He wants reminders that Republicans like to limit things, as Kate Cox and a slew of fearful Texas doctors were reminded, yet again, this week.

He wants a plug for local journalism — what reporter could resist? — and more community fairs.

“What brings us together is the knowledge that we are all involved in this grand experiment of self-government,” Karem would have Biden say. “This is the United States of America (emphasis on 'is' and not 'United').”

He wants a reminder we put a man on the moon.

He wants to paraphrase Winston Churchill.

Then he wants to quote John Lennon and be done.

You can read Karem’s fever dream stump speech in entirety here.

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