Jon Stewart dishes on meetings with Obama: We took turns f*cking a replica of Reagan's eye socket

Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show on Wednesday by addressing the media furor over his "secret" meetings with President Barack Obama, while mocking Fox News and Politico for hyping the encounters.

"It was a roundtable meeting with the President, Elvis -- still alive -- Minister [Louis] Farrakhan, and the Area 51 alien," Stewart quipped. "We opened with the traditional Saul Alinsky prayer, sucked on the blood of the righteous, and took turns f*cking a replica of the Reagan eye socket. The real Reagan eye socket is kept in the Smithsonian and is only f*cked on Christmas."

While Politicomisidentified Stewart's executive producer, Steve Bodow, as "Scott Budow," Stewart said, Fox went out of its way to describe the meetings as Stewart being "summoned" clandestinely, despite the host's visits being recorded on the official White House logs.

"Something is not a secret just because you don't know about it," Stewart chided, saying he agreed to meet with Obama because "If the president tells you to and you don't, who the f*ck knows what would happen?"

In reality, the host said, his discussions with Obama played out not unlike his final interview with the president last week: spending the majority of the time arguing over issues like the Affordable Care Act website or the Veterans Affairs Bureau over salmon dishes.

Stewart did confess that, during his tenure leading the show, he had been approached by individuals ranging from "tech giants, to financial captains, to Billy Joel," all basically asking, "Jon, why are you such an a*shole?" -- and the meetings with Obama were no different. Among those people, he noted, was Fox News chief Roger Ailes.

"In fact, in my entire tenure here of being yelled at by some very influential and powerful individuals -- and Billy Joel -- only with one of those people has a phone call ever ended with, 'This conversation never happened, and if you say it did, I'll deny it.' And it wasn't the f*cking president,'" he said, while looking toward a graphic representing Ailes.

Watch Stewart's commentary, as posted online on Wednesday, below.