Classic literature, interpreted by wingnuts

Via Whiskey Fire comes this illuminating piece from Jeff Carter at Townhall explaining why the sole blame for high unemployment is that people are too stupid and lazy to get jobs, coupled with "advice" on how to get one. Carter appears to believe that since a talentless moron like him can get work, so can you, though he's reluctant to offer wingnut welfare as an option, fearing the competition that arises when literally any moron could do your evil job. But what makes this piece special in the growing pile of hateful nonsense wingnuts are churning out to rationalize our terrible economy? Carter's amazing talents at literary interpretation:

If you are an unskilled laborer, it may seem like there are no opportunities. But, there are if you move to where the jobs are. In the 1930's and 1940's, there were several great migrations in the United States. The migration from the Great Plains to California was captured in the John Steinbeck novel about the Joad family. Many families moved from the rural south to the industrialized north for work. Just because you have lived your whole life in one area of the country doesn’t mean you are stuck there.

I'm surprised he didn't take it to the next level, and argue that you should avoid going on food stamps by pressing women with newborns into sharing their breast milk with you in lieu of purchased food. Maybe mow their lawn or something in exchange. My guess is that he didn't think of it, because he probably hasn't read the book, because even someone as dumb as Carter would grasp, upon reading The Grapes of Wrath, that Steinbeck has a fairly low opinion of people like the entire staff of Townhall. 

Which made me think about other classic works of literature and how they could be interpreted by conservatives, with or without actually reading the books in question. So I thought I'd make a list:

Oliver Twist: This story clearly demonstrates that putting bastard children into workhouses puts them on the path to peace and prosperity.

To Kill a Mockingbird: Innocent men can be convicted of rape just on a woman's word, so we should dismiss rape cases unless the crime happened in broad daylight in front of multiple witnesses, and the victim was a virgin on her way to church. Additionally, growing up in racist communities brings out the best in little girls.

Angels in America: The key is getting religion before you let dudes put it in your butt, and then you wouldn't get AIDS.

Moby Dick: The endangered species list is wrong, because it prevents good men from fulfilling their dreams.

A Christmas Carol: The ending demonstrates that we need  no government regulation, because our capitalist leaders are so naturally generous and fair.

The Handmaid's Tale: Women should simply give up on this feminism thing so that men aren't forced to take drastic action.

The Lottery: When your number's up, it's better for everyone if you don't whine about it so much. 

Tess of the d'Urbervilles: Women who don't accept that men prefer to marry virgins are pathetic lost causes.

The House of Mirth: Women should spend their youth trying to get married as quickly as possible to the first man that will have them. 

Slaughterhouse-Five: WWII truly produced the greatest generation.

Come up with your own!