Converting the American fan

EPLTalk.com is the only other awesome Premier League blog I've found (please share any I'm missing in the comments). Today they advise readers on the methods of converting Americans to soccer fans:

If that doesn’t work use the following conversion chart to explain the true value of a goal:

Baseball: 1 run = 1 run

Basketball: 1 basket = 1, 2 or 3 points (depending on the circumstances)

American Football: 1 touchdown = 6 points (plus an additional point if the extra kick is scored)

Association Football: 1 goal = 100,000 guiltless orgasms (if scored by your club) or 100,000 black holes sucking all life out of the universe (if scored against your club).

Love it. And differentiating between an orgasm and a guiltless orgasm is like the most English thing I've ever read. One thing I'd add to this charming piece: Pain is the key.

Suffering.

Losing.

Hurting.

That's how you hook someone. It's all well and good to enjoy the victories of a team you've started following, or to appreciate a well-played match between two teams you don't root for, but it's only when you suffer the agony of a crucial defeat that a lasting bond is fused.

I played soccer most of my youth, but I realized I was more than an interested observer of the Premiership (and thus would eventually start a blog about it) only recently. Gerrard, Torres, and Alonso had attracted me to Liverpool, and I'd been following them with interest. But I wasn't 100% hooked until the first leg of the Champions League quarterfinals last season, when Chelsea did this to us:

More specifically, I wasn't hooked until I realized how many weeks I'd been thinking about that loss, about how angry it made me, how disappointed I was (all the moreso because Chelsea nearly -- should've? -- beat Barcelona, meaning we might've had a shot). So, yeah, I'm an American newly addicted to the EPL. And an ass-whupping made me this way.