10 things the iPhone Siri will help you get instead of an abortion

Ask the Siri, the new iPhone 4 assistant, where to get an abortion, and, if you happen to be in Washington, D.C., she won't direct you to the Planned Parenthood on 16th St, NW. Instead, she'll suggest you pay a visit to the 1st Choice Women's Health Center, an anti-abortion Crisis Pregnancy Center (CPC) in Landsdowne, Virginia, or Human Life Services, a CPC in York, Pennsylvania. Ask Google the same question, and you'll get ads for no less than 7 metro-area abortion clinics, 2 CPCs and a nationwide abortion referral service.

Ask in New York City, and Siri will tell you "I didn't find any abortion clinics."

It's an experience that's being replicated by women around the country: despite plentiful online information about actual places to get an abortion, Siri doesn't seem to provide it. It's a similar experience for women seeking emergency contraception: in New York City, Siri doesn't know what Plan B is and, asked for emergency contraception, offers up a Google results page of definitions.

But Siri certainly seems to know a whole lot about plenty of other things iPhone customers might want. Below are 10 things Siri can help you find.

1. Viagra.

2. Hospitals to go to if you've had an erection lasting for more than 5 hours.

3. Places you might be able to score marijuana.

4. Where to dump a body: in Brooklyn, it recommends a smelting plant in New Jersey.

5. The meaning of life: Siri will alternately quote from Douglas Adams (42) or Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life."

6. What to do if a hamster is caught in your rectum: in D.C., she'll direct you to Charming Cherries Escort Service.

7. Asked how to obtain a free blow job in D.C., she'll direct you to the same escort service. (We doubt that they are free.)

8. If you'd like to see a naked woman in Brooklyn, Siri will suggest a variety of Manhattan-based strip clubs.

9. If you're in Queens and seeking breast implants, she'll recommend 4 local plastic surgeons.

10. But if you ask Siri about vaginoplasty, she'll scold you about your language.

[Photo courtesy of Rafael Noboa y Rivera. Additional reporting by Anna Holmes, Rafael Noboa y Rivera and Chris Griggs.]

UPDATE: Reader Kristen asked Siri "Why are you anti-abortion?" and she answered "I just am, Kristen."