Heed the enduring joy of future first gentleman Doug Emhoff

CHICAGO — When Doug Emhoff, the man who would be America’s first first gentleman, spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night, he brought the personal joy of being married to Kamala Harris.

Emhoff described how he met Kamala on a blind date. In his first phone call to her, at 8:30 a.m. one morning, he left an embarrassingly nervous and rambling voicemail. Kamala kept the recording, and she plays it for him on every anniversary.

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Emhoff and Harris married in 2014, when Emhoff’s children, Cole and Emma, were still teenagers. Despite Republican innuendo about Harris not having “children of her own,” the Emhoff children clearly love Harris, and aggressively defend her. They call her “Momala,” a name Harris says she wears “proudly.”

It’s obvious that their blended family works. Harris is clear eyed about why that is.

“The thing about blended families,” Harris said, “is if everyone approaches it in the way that there’s plenty of love to share, then it works.”

Navigating early complexities

Aside from stepchildren who are crazy about their stepmom, Emhoff is Jewish, which may help assuage critics determined to paint Harris as antisemitic.

Harris has been vocal about human rights violations in Gaza while at the same time maintaining her support for Israel’s right to defend itself.

Emhoff, who attended Hebrew School and frequently addresses antisemitism, can assure Jewish voters that although Harris might hold Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Israel’s right-wing leadership in contempt for their aggression against Gaza civilians, her criticism does not translate into antisemitism.

In her marriage to Emhoff, Harris displayed maturity and wisdom. In 2019, long before she was tapped as the Democratic nominee for president, Harris wrote an essay for Elle about their relationship:

“When I met Doug, the man who would become my husband, I also met a man who was a divorced father of two children, Cole and Ella.... As a child of divorce, I knew how hard it could be when your parents start to date other people.” Drawing from her own experience, Harris was cautious and measured. “I was determined not to insert myself in their lives until Doug and I had established we were in this for the long haul. Children need consistency; I didn’t want to insert myself into their lives as a temporary fixture because I didn’t want to disappoint them. There’s nothing worse than disappointing a child.”

Stepchildren — and Americans exhausted from the divisive politics of hate propagated by Donald Trump and his enablers — should all be so lucky.

Attacks on stepmoms are old news

Republicans have been merciless in their attacks against Harris for not having had children of “her own,” and give her no credit for her blended family’s success. Anyone who has been a stepparent knows that stepparents have to navigate complex emotions all around.

Stepmothers, more so than stepfathers, have endured centuries of unfair stereotyping. The evil stepmom as a recurring narrative reflects the family breakup more than the woman involved: a stepparent “steps into” pre-existing conflict between two parents who, for whatever reason, decided to end their marriage.

Psychology Today reports that of all the complications involved, the toughest challenges for a stepmom typically come from the ex-wife, because mothers who leave a marriage often still maintain a strong agenda where their children are involved. Or they may be jealous of the new wife. Even when people desperately want out of an unhappy marriage, they can experience FOMO — the fear of missing out — when a new person steps into their discarded shoes and seems to make a happier go of it.

There’s no FOMO in the Harris-Emhoff household

Centuries of maladaptive stereotypes make it all the more extraordinary that Kerstin Emhoff, Doug’s ex-wife, embraces Harris. Most of all, she approves of Harris’ performance as step parent to her two children.

Kerstin Emhoff defended Harris after video resurfaced showing Republican vice presidential nominee J.D. Vance criticizing Harris and other “childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives.”

Kerstin Emhoff told CNN that the attacks against Kamala were “baseless” because “for over 10 years, since Cole and Ella were teenagers, Kamala has been a co-parent with Doug and I.”

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She continued to say Harris “is loving, nurturing, fiercely protective and always present. I love our blended family and am grateful to have her in it.”

In his Democratic National Convention speech, Doug noted that daughter Emma concurs, and calls Kamala, Doug and Kerstin a “three-headed parenting machine.”

America itself is a blended family

There aren’t many ex-wives who praise the woman who marries their ex-husband. It’s nothing short of extraordinary.

The success of the Harris-Emhoffs, with all the attendant complications of a modern, blended family, suggests Harris possesses the presence and emotional intelligence to navigate complex situations among competing interests.

Emhoff said Kamala “finds joy in pursuing justice,” and hates it when people are treated unfairly.

“Her empathy,” he said, “is her strength.” Kamala “has always been there for our children and I know she’ll always be there for yours, too.”

Emhoff closed his touching, sometimes humorous speech with a word of advice about Harris’ disguised strength as she seeks to become the nation’s first female president.

“Here’s the thing about joyful warriors: they’re still warriors.”

One person likely not feeling joy this week as a result?

A certain former president.

Sabrina Haake is a columnist and 25 year litigator specializing in 1st and 14th Amendment defense. Her Substack, The Haake Take, is free.