Either I have firsthand evidence that the Republicans are barking up the wrong trees in their desperation to raise midterm funds, or I’m being trolled by them – or both.
This started about a week ago when I received the strangest and most hilarious email from none other than JD Vance, who has been identified in some circles as the Vice President of the United States – crazy as that seems. It was addressed to “Ray Liberalitus,” which I’m imagining has to be a purposeful misspelled slur on my proud liberalism (“Liberalitis”?).
If it was a laughable attempt to p--- me off, it didn’t work.
How I landed on this bogus list of potential financial contributors is quite the mystery. All I know is the Veep invited me personally – or at least “Ray Liberalitus” – to take a Vice Presidential Survey that included the following observation: “From day one of my career, it’s been an honor to have you on my team. You’ve stood by me from day one – when I count my blessings, you are high on my list.”
Let me just say, if I’m as good as it gets for this dude in terms of “blessings,” he probably doesn’t have many. Also, inserting “day one” twice in the same sentence shows pathetically lazy writing skills.
And man has this dude been getting some dreadful intel. His fundraising research seems to be roughly as solid as his peace negotiation skills. I mean, if they’re so hard up for cash that they’re turning to Ray Liberalitus, things must be looking mighty grim over there in Republicanland.
Of course, again, they could simply be trolling me – in which case I’d have been honored.
In any event, I’d dismissed this as a one-off and figured Ray Liberalitus would never hear from them again. But I was mistaken.
Come early Friday morning, evidently because they hadn’t heard back from me, they began moving in the heavy artillery.
The person credited with sending this second email was one Donald J. Trump. The subject line: “I want you on my team!” Since it included an exclamation point, I knew this guy claiming to be the “president” meant business.
I carefully opened the email to find the all-caps message, “PRESIDENT TRUMP: I NEED YOU!” Again with the exclamation point. And consistent with the previous email from his VP, it somehow understood my name to be Ray Liberalitus.
“Ray Liberalitus,” the bizarre plea began. “We’re in the middle of the most important midterm election of our lifetime.” So far, so good.I was onboard. But then came the next sentence, which I simply couldn’t abide: “And if we’re going to make it TOO BIG TO RIG (all caps and bold and in red), then I’m going to need thousands of TRUMP-LOVING Patriots like you to make a small sacrifice of your time.”
Damn. How would I tell him that: A. I’m TRUMP-HATING; and B. My time is far too precious to help him fuel this particular authoritarian adventure? I knew Trump was going to be heartbroken and instinctively understood I’d need the proper venue to let him down gently. I decided this column would have to do.
But wait, there was more – and it was all in bold:
“I’m calling on you, a TRUE MAGA WARRIOR, to join MY MAGA MAJORITY FORCE and STAND with our Party in the fight to SECURE THE VOTE.”
I instantly saw that this push came directly from Fearless Leader. Who else would rubber-stamp such a fractured textual mix of caps and lower case? The utter lack of consistency is signature. I suddenly felt like he was speaking directly to me – or should I say, DIRECTLY TO Me.
It continued, “Radical Leftists know they can’t win in November if you’re on my team, Ray Liberalitus.” I have absolutely no doubt this is accurate. Unfortunately, the theory is destined to be put to the test, since I am in fact one of those very same Radical Leftists to which he refers and I won’t be within 10,000 miles of his team. Or at least, Ray Liberalitus won’t be. He does whatever I tell him.
But I digress.
Continuing: “They’ll do anything to keep our America FIRST movement from keeping our Congressional majorities. But I know you’d NEVER let that happen.”
Oh, but it seems the president has greatly misjudged me. Not only would I let it happen, I’ll be part of the team heading up the resistance to assure it. I’m rather shocked that a man of Trump’s superior intuition and wisdom could so misinterpret Ray Liberalitus’ motives, but there you are.
“With you by my side on the MAGA Majority Force, we will finish the job of saving our country once and for all,” the pitch went on. It mercifully concluded, “I’ll be checking back for YOUR NAME on the roster, Ray Liberalitus. Join my team TODAY.”
I’m afraid the president will be waiting an awfully long time to see that “Liberalitus” handle on his side.
The page also featured a “JOIN TRUMP’S MAGA MAJORITY FORCE” link that takes you to a spot to volunteer for the campaign or poll watch, or extend the privilege of tossing money in the trash, er, I mean, into his slimy coffers.
As I was writing this, yet another email showed up with a return address of rnchq.com (for Republican National Committee headquarters) from VP Vance again, as if Ray Liberalitus was bought and sold on Team MAGA. It’s an enigma, all right. To my knowledge, I have never contributed a penny to these people or registered for anything involving them, so it must be a matter of screwing with me, possibly because I contribute to Raw Story.
Whatever the reason, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure Ray Liberalitus infiltrates the ranks of these amoral bastards. The idiots who created him seem to think he’s already one of them. Maybe there’s value in his pretending to be a TRUE MAGA WARRIOR after all.
Yes, two can play this trolling game. Let’s get it on, suckers.
(Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.)