Megalomaniac Trump is out of control as makeover madness hits our most sacred monuments

Renaming the Kennedy Center the Trump-Kennedy Center is just the beginning of renaming buildings and landmarks after one of the greatest presidents in US history. Here are the current plans according to the administration’s new Monumental Renaming Department — plans which, honestly, fell off the back of a truck and landed on Raw Story's doorstep.

• The White House will be renamed the Trump White House, in honor of Trump turning the 225-year-old presidential mansion into a monarchical palace to rival the Palace of Versailles or the Summer Palace of Peter the Great. With the addition of a 90,000 square-foot ballroom and undoubtedly more magnificent additions the next three years, the White House will be fit for a king, executed by a regal visionary who found the White House far too old and frumpy.
• The US Capitol will be renamed Trump Capitol, for his being the first president in history to make it truly the Capitol of the people. Trump was the only president ever to provide many thousands of patriotic Americans the simultaneous opportunity to tour the Capitol. Trump planned the tour on Jan. 6, 2021 when the enthusiastic throng could stroll into the Capitol to view the House and the Senate in rare joint session. Not surprisingly, the crowd was so enraptured that they overstayed their allotted time but willingly dispersed upon Trump’s eleventh-hour request.
• The US Department of the Treasury will be renamed Trump Treasury, as President Trump has amazingly pumped trillions of dollars into the treasury in one year. Trump’s tariffs have provided the financial boon through import taxes, with American businesses and the American people willingly picking up the cost to enrich the government. The ever-generous Trump is even considering giving the American people some of their money back.
• The Mexico-U.S. borderwill be renamed Trump Border, as President Trump has done more to keep immigrants out of the country than any president. Just the name Trump Border will throw paralyzing fear into any immigrant looking to escape poverty or extreme violence and aspire to a better life. A great humanitarian, Trump feels the pain of every immigrant, but his message is clear: aspire somewhere else.
• The Grand Canyon will be renamed Trump Canyon, in answer to an obvious question: Why hasn’t even one natural wonder been named after the great environmentalist? Niagara Falls was a candidate except for the complication of its Canadian side, Mt. Rushmore didn’t qualify as “natural,” and Mt. Everest seemed a bit of a climb. Trump Canyon seemed the perfect fit: immense, old, and empty.
• The Bering Strait between Alaska and Russia will be renamed the Trump-Putin Strait, symbolizing the great friendship between the American and Russian presidents. In time, the Trump-Putin Tunnel will be built connecting Alaska and Russia, cementing the close ties between America and its new dearest ally. Soon after, a mutual non-aggression agreement will be signed — the Trump-Putin Super Peace Pact -patterned after Neville Chamberlain’s 1938 Munich Agreement.
• The Vietnam Memorial will be renamed the Vietnam-Trump Memorial, in honor of both America’s fallen soldiers and the most militarily supportive president in American history among non-servers. A life-sized statue of President Trump is being contemplated to sit beside the Memorial, soaking his bone spurs in a bucket of water. A look of deep chagrin will cover Trump’s face, forever disconsolate over being medically ineligible to serve his country.

Most recently, Department members are considering renaming Caracas, Venezuela “Trump City,” honoring the US military’s assault on the capital resulting in needed regime change, killing no Americans and a mere 40 to 80 Venezuelans, including civilians. It was the swiftest, most successful attack on a militarily inferior sovereign country posing no threat to the US in violation of international law since the US military under President Reagan subdued the tiny island of Grenada in seven minutes.

Thought has also been given to renaming the Lincoln Memorial the Lincoln-Trump Memorial, commemorating the two greatest Republican presidents in history. The Department is considering a statue of President Trump being sculpted to sit snugly in the lap of President Lincoln although the visual perspective of Trump being the lesser president may upset many Americans.

The Washington Monument may also be renamed the Washington-Trump Monument to honor both the historical and the modern-day father of our country. The Department is considering adding a huge statue of President Trump magnificently straddling the pyramidal apex of the Monument.

Other renaming considerations are still in the hopper, the most popular being adding President Trump’s name to everything that former President Kennedy’s name is on. Department members concluded it wasn’t fair for President Trump not to get the same recognition and be held in the same reverence as President Kennedy just because Trump’s deranged assassin proved a poor shot.

Department members are also mulling over the idea of renaming the United States “Trumplandia USA,” as Trump is doing everything humanly possible to remake America in his own spectacular image. A fitting precedent for the name change is the former Upper Peru being renamed Bolivia after the “The Liberator” Simon Bolivar in 1825. Several Republican focus groups are being formed to test the idea, with an executive order in the offing.

• Tom Tyner is a freelance editorialist, satirist, political analyst, blogger, author and retired English instructor.