Thursday, two of the most polarizing wives in the Trump administration reared their tawdry heads. They would be the ghost that is supposedly the first lady, and the imperious woman helping her husband run, err, ruin, the Pentagon.
Melania Trump, like Jeanne in Major Nelson’s office, suddenly materialized in the Rose Garden Thursday. It was her first public appearance in quite some time, and only her 38th appearance of the year, by one estimate, and she tried to joke about it: "Good afternoon. I heard you missed me. Here I am."
Um, no, Melania, we don’t miss her. And that’s because you add nothing to the actual role of being first lady. Traditional first ladies pick a cause and devote their time and energy to promoting it. Nancy Reagan had "Just Say No," however flawed; Barbara Bush had literacy; Michelle Obama had childhood nutrition. Melania had "Be Best," but to the best of my knowledge, she never talks about it.
So yesterday, she spoke about "Fostering the Future," a foster-care initiative that I guess she’s switched to. She resurfaced alongside a $2 million IndyCar and Fox Corp. donation (What a surprise!), which seems worthy - hey, I give credit where credit is due - but why now, and why suddenly try to take the spotlight?
Because this initiative conveniently arrived just as the media and the inquiring minds of the public were going gaga over someone else.
That someone else is Natalie Harp, aka “the human printer” or human "binkie," who has apparently been busy taking care of Donald’s cartridge, metaphorically and perhaps literally, replacing the cartridge inside the box, or whatever it is, above Donald’s derriere.
She has become impossible to ignore, reportedly so eager to stay near him that she once climbed into the trunk of an SUV to keep pace with his motorcade during a foreign trip, and prominent enough in the president's orbit that a certain U.S. senator's cracks about her drew a furious MAGA backlash and a storm on social media.
Melania's timing, after a long disappearance ending the same week Harp dominates headlines, is either a remarkable coincidence or a very deliberate one that most likely involved a bribe because everything is transactional with Melania.
She does not do anything for free. Amazon paid $40 million to acquire her documentary, which was the most expensive documentary licensing deal in history, plus another $35 million to market it, a film that limped to roughly $16 million at the box office.
Trump's own 2025 financial disclosure listed a $10.71 million licensing fee tied to the project. In other words, Melania not only doesn’t do it for free or for a fair price, she’s also a poor return on investment.
Consider this. Before the documentary, campaign finance records showed Melania collected $250,000 for a single 2022 Log Cabin Republicans fundraiser and another $237,500 for a 2024 Log Cabin event at Mar-a-Lago. The appearances were quick, in and out, and she didn't even have to leave home for one of them. If anyone knows of a similar deal, please sign me up!
So, if I’m thinking about this correctly, the Log Cabin fundraisers were held to play Melania?
Which takes us now across the Potomac, to a wife who never seems to disappear. Jennifer Hegseth.
The New York Times published a genuinely stupefying story on Thursday about the wife of Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. She is a former Fox News producer with no military background, no confirmed security clearance, and, according to the story, has wrapped herself around Petey like a lifting glove.
She has, according to the Times, prepped her husband for public appearances, sat in on his meetings with journalists, interviewed candidates for Pentagon jobs, attended sensitive meetings with foreign military officials, and was reportedly included in not one but two Signal chats where her husband shared operational details about strikes on Houthi targets in Yemen.
In the article, a former Pentagon spokesman called the arrangement "bonkers,” and a Democratic senator put it more bluntly: Hegseth "can't just hand [classified access] to his wife and say, 'here honey, hold my beer.'"
And speaking of, the article says that Hegseth also leans on his wife's presence to keep his well-documented drinking in check while traveling, which raises an obvious question: what happens on the days she's not there? Sounds like undisciplined Pete’s liable to go hog wild.
The Times reported that Pete says the two “J’s” saved his life, Jesus and Jennifer. I’m so sick and tired of these sanctimonious, hypocritical conservative Christians with oozing self-righteousness whose actions say otherwise.
This is a man who renamed the Department of Defense the Department of War, who talks endlessly about "warrior ethos" and "lethality," who encourages hate by sidelining transgender and queer service members and denying promotions to Blacks and women. He recently used a trans slur campaigning in Iowa—while a war’s going on, by the way.
And his wife supports this repugnant, demonic creature. Well, birds of a feather.
She also apparently is his media advisor, too. What doesn’t she do? Well, in this case, she doesn’t do it well because the guy comes off as an arrogant, know-it-all, conceited, offensive, bigoted jerk.
Finally, she homeschools her kids. God bless them. That’s all I will say.
Melania and Jennifer might appear to be total opposites. One collects an exorbitant fee and quickly vanishes, while the other stitches herself to her husband and has carte blanche to his office via a private elevator.
But they’re both the same. They are divisive like their husbands. They are manipulative in their own ways. And they defy traditional boundaries—not in a good way, by the way. And they both have husbands who are epic failures.
Melania can keep phoning it in from Mar-a-Lago because, like her husband, she could give a rat’s ass about average Americans. They are both absent from reality.
Jennifer Hegseth should try and take a page from Melania and be absent herself. Because her husband is going to be remembered as the worst defense secretary in history, and she’s going to get some of the blame for just how badly she managed it.