This plan will make Trump's birthday his most miserable yet

If you’re GenX or older, then you’re old enough to remember the excitement around America’s Bicentennial in 1976.

I was only seven years old, and my memories are hazy from that time, but I do recall that my family spent the celebration at a resort in upstate New York. I can’t remember which one, but it was probably one where a lot of Jewish families stayed. I don’t remember who else was there, but I know I went shopping for special outfits with my mother for the trip, probably at KMart. Everything was red, white, and blue that summer and everybody talked about their plans for the bicentennial and basically nothing else. I know my dress to “go down to dinner” on the 4th was a sleeveless red-and-white gingham sundress with frills on the shoulders.

Everyone was so happy and so loud. All of the adults were drinking and smoking, kids were running around with sparklers and, of course, there were fireworks. A proper slice of Americana, like something out of a movie.

And here we are again, on the brink of celebrating America’s 250th birthday, and it’s going to yet again be like something out of a movie.

Except that movie is called Idiocracy.

The White House is currently obscured by a giant UFC Octagon ahead of Toddler Trump’s 80th birthday party on Sunday. Of all the mortifying things Trump has done, this has brought the kind of global embarrassment that can’t be calibrated by even the most advanced of scientific instruments. Shirtless men are going to beat the crap out of each other in front of what’s supposed to be a symbol of leadership.

Now, it’s the White Trash House.

It looks like the three-ring circus it is. It breaks my heart every time I look at it. Because, despite everyone joking about it and making clever memes about it, Trump has deliberately destroyed the People’s House because he hates America.

But they need a ballroom to feel safe?

None of this destruction should have been allowed. He could’ve built it on his own property, and it would even be on brand for Florida. But instead, he used who-knows-whose money (not his) and turned the South Lawn into a Carny Paradise. The attendees will revel in the spectacle of shirtless men beating the crap out of each other as a birthday present for an 80-year-old criminal fraud at the center of the biggest political cover-up in American history.

We’re still learning even more about the Epstein Files cover-up, something our Founders never could have imagined when they created this non-Christian nation conceived in liberty. While Trump was fixating on turning DC into Mar-A-Lago on the Potomac, his entire staff was meeting in the Situation Room to figure out how to keep protecting him, instead of giving the victims the justice they all deserve. They’ve all known for far too long what’s in those files, and they’ve done nothing about any of it.

Also, the mere thought of them meeting in the Situation Room, where important decisions about national security are made, is just another infuriating mental image to add to all of the terrible real ones we’re subjected to every day.

Now add what it’ll cost to have a proper backyard barbecue this year, thanks to skyrocketing grocery prices, and everyone staying closer to home because a road trip like the one my family took in 1976 is out of the question, thanks to the current gas prices.

So yeah, you’d have to forgive us for not feeling all that proud to celebrate the country’s upcoming birthday.

However, I always want to inject optimism and positivity wherever I can. We have reasons to celebrate this year, I promise!

As I write this, workers are removing Trump’s name from the Kennedy Center, an actual victory for America instead of the pyrrhic ones we’ve been forced to endure thanks to that dozy bulldozing ingrate. People held watch parties across the country to see it happen in real time, just like people had Knicks watch parties all over Manhattan to resolutely boo the most unpopular person to ever fall asleep behind the Resolute Desk.

There’s been terrible weather in Washington all week, with thunderstorms predicted on Sunday to make Trump’s party a literal washout. You can almost believe in divine intervention when the weather seems this targeted.

You love to see it! Too bad they can’t move the event inside to the incomplete Epstein Bunker, huh?

If you’re lucky enough to live somewhere with great weather on Sunday, No Kings protest marches are scheduled all across the country to make sure Trump has the most miserable birthday of his entire life. It’s going to be 92 degrees here in Portland, and along with the main march downtown, there’s going to be a more family-friendly carnival-type thing in a park with A LOT of trees providing shade. I think I might opt in for that instead of baking in the streets and feeling mad.

Speaking of Portland, I’m extra proud to be an Oregonian after learning that our state was the first to drop out of Trump’s dumb “America 250” State Fair. I’m sure Oregon won’t be the last Blue state to drop out. It’ll be just like when all of the artists dropped out of Trump’s dumb “America 250” concert, which is now just him and Vanilla Ice. The “State Fair” will probably just be Alabama by the time July 4th rolls around.

One last bit of good news: Democrats now have an 82% chance of taking back the House in November! And those odds might even increase now that we have a new catchphrase to use against Trump in every campaign ad for the next five months.