There is an old American idiom for a group so collectively inept they couldn’t organize a one-car parade, as another axiom goes. We call them the Three Stooges. They were a legendary comedy trio famous for their chaotic, physical slapstick and for being a cultural shorthand for lovable but total incompetence.
After watching JD Vance (Mo), Steve Witkoff (Curly), and Jared Kushner (Larry) stumble out of Islamabad empty-handed, having failed to end a six-week war, reopen the Strait of Hormuz, or extract a single meaningful concession from Iranian hardliners, the comparison feels apropos.
I’ve been reading comment sections of stories about Trump’s 21st century trio of clowns, and I’m not the only one who has labeled them after the indelible comedy trio.
With that said, let’s do a little review about the strengths - err weaknesses - of each of the foolish players.
JD Vance arrived in Pakistan as Vice President of the United States, a title he has held longer than he held his Senate seat, which he won a mere three years ago. His previous experience in high-stakes negotiation consists largely of brokering peace between childless cat ladies and their felines who took umbrage at his offensive jab.
In June of last year, Vance’s stupidity reared its bulbous, bearded head when he tried to explain the concern around the U.S. first foray into Iran. "I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents, and now we have a president who actually knows how to accomplish America’s national security objectives".
Well, of course we can laugh about Trump understanding national security objectives, but Trump was among the presidents during those last 25 years — along with other Republicans.
Then there is Jared Kushner, whose legendary negotiating prowess consists primarily of leveraging his proximity to his father-in-law to attract billion-dollar investment deals from foreign sovereign wealth funds to enrich himself. A chip off the old father-in-law.
In a January 2020 interview with Sky News Arabia, Kushner defended his qualifications to lead the Trump administration's "Peace to Prosperity" plan by stating:."I’ve been studying this now for three years. I’ve read 25 books on it." This from the same guy whose memoir was reviewed by the New York Times as a "queasy-making" slog that reads more like a college admissions essay than a serious political account.
And Steve Witkoff. As Trump himself might say, “Who in the hell is this guy?” Prior to Trump designating him a diplomatic savant, Witkoff was focused on luxury real estate development in Manhattan and Miami. Seemingly, it’s this background that presumably explains why he reportedly confused enrichment facilities with “industrial reactors” and referred to the Strait of Hormuz as the “Gulf of Hormuz.”
He and his boss just can’t get the lingo “straight” about Hormuz.
Somewhere among the rows of tombstones in Arlington National Cemetery, revered diplomat Henry Kissinger is pounding furiously on the lid of his coffin, demanding to be let out.
Just about everyone in the world is probably scratching their heads as to why these three numbskulls were leading the way on such consequential matters, and wondering what could have possibly been involved in the three’s preparation, and whether they truly understood the stakes and consequences of what they were doing.
The Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action (JCPOA), or the 2015 Iran nuclear deal, required two years of intense negotiation, a coalition of six world powers, teams of nuclear scientists, career diplomats fluent in Farsi and the theological contours of the Islamic Republic, and marathon sessions in Lausanne and Vienna.
In other words, it was exhausting and comprehensive.
The foundational principle, agreed upon by all sides, was that “nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.” The Islamabad talks lasted 21 hours before collapsing into mutual recrimination. Only a fool, or someone who has spent his career flipping luxury condominiums, or someone who thinks women should stay in violent marriages, would believe a nuclear and geopolitical settlement forged in decades of hostility could be resolved between sun up and sun down.
The backdrop to this failure is even more damning. Early in Trump’s second term, the State Department was systematically gutted - Middle East and Iran - with more than 3,800 employees shown the door, including the bulk of the Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs, its dedicated Iran office, 13 Arabic speakers, and four Farsi speakers.
The ambassadorships to Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Qatar, and the UAE sat vacant as the region ignited. The institutional memory, the language skills, the quiet back-channel relationships that make diplomacy possible, were summarily dismissed because Trump’s “gut” knows more than they all collectively knew and understood.
What was sent to Islamabad in their place? A neophyte and narcissistic vice president, a money-thirsty son-in-law, and a real estate developer who surely spells “Straight of Hormuz” wrong like his boss.
The Iranian delegation was composed of ideologically committed, strategically patient officials who have spent decades enduring sanctions, threats, and negotiations. No one, besides China and Russia, are rooting for the Iranians, but let's be honest, they must have struggled to keep straight faces during negotiations.
Now here we are, with no hope in sight. The ceasefire deadline is not receding. The Strait of Hormuz remains closed. Iran remains firm in clinging to their uranium and nuclear program. The region sits on tenterhooks.
And, perhaps even more worrisome, the same three bumbling fools who walked away empty-handed in Islamabad are, as far as we know, still in charge of what comes next.
In the original Stooges shorts, the chaos always resolved itself. Someone got a pie in the face, furniture got destroyed, and by the final scene, everything was improbably fine.
That is the reassuring cinematic fiction of the undying genre of slapstick comedy. In real geopolitics, when the Three Stooges leave the stage, they truly look like a trifecta of losers. And their next foray into diplomacy will likely end in the same, proverbial pie in the face thrown at them by Iranian extremists.
Moe, Larry, and Curly always got another chance. So do these three stooges, and that prospect is more of a horror show than a comedy short.