Well, it’s June 14, and we all know what that means. That’s right, it’s the day that we curse President Donald Trump’s father for not having used a condom some 80 years and nine months ago.
Happy 80th Birthday, Mr. President. You made it to eight decades. Not that many of us were necessarily rooting for it. But unlike you and your savagely corrupt administration, those of us in the resistance still believe in facts, and the fact that it’s the anniversary of your birth can’t be denied.
Given that, I’m feeling in an unusually giving mood, perhaps against my better judgment. In asking myself, “What do you give the man who has everything but stands for nothing?”, one who already has skyscrapers bearing his name, a pair of disastrous presidencies, a social media platform/revenge site, and all the conflicted interests money can buy?
All of the traditional gift options would seem to have been exhausted for a human being who already has given himself everything of material value. That leaves me bestowing him the following 80 things in honor of his special day:
1. A monument to narcissism so vast that it casts a shadow over three states.
2. A mirror that charges admission.
3. A presidential library consisting exclusively of framed photos of himself and televisions but no books – and, for maximum irony, called, The John F. Kennedy and Donald J. Trump Presidential Libraries.
4. A lifetime supply of orange skin tint and plausible deniability.
5. A third impeachment – just to complete the set.
6. A trophy for turning insecurity into a governing philosophy.
7. A parade featuring everyone he claimed to love before publicly attacking stretching from Florida to Washington, D.C.
8. A second parade featuring everyone he attacked before claiming to love.
9. A third parade for everyone who can’t remember which category they’re in.
10. A museum exhibit entitled, “Victimhood: The Donald Trump Story.”
11. A giant vacuum capable of absorbing every ounce of oxygen in every room.
12. A weather forecast consisting entirely of compliments.
13. A support group for exhausted and perpetually frustrated fact-checkers.
14. A support group for the support group.
15. A giant red panic button labeled, “THEY’RE BEING MEAN TO ME!”.
16. A throne built from useless and discarded campaign promises.
17. A kingdom populated entirely by people nodding enthusiastically.
18. A trophy for Outstanding Achievement in Never Letting Anything Go.
19. A medal for Unmatched Achievement in Self-Pity.
20. A bronze bust sculpted entirely from petty resentment.
21. A documentary entitled, “The Man Who Could Not Stop Auditioning for Himself.”
22. A massive scoreboard tracking promises, boasts and blame.
23. A second scoreboard catching overflow.
24. A weathervane pointing toward whomever he is angry at.
25. A golden megaphone permanently set to maximum volume.
26. A plaque commemorating a lifetime of exhausting the English language.
27. A commemorative stamp depicting accountability fleeing the scene.
28. A state funeral for dignity.
29. A second state funeral for understatement.
30. A third state funeral for irony.
31. A monument to grievance visible from the Moon.
32. A monument to self-regard visible from Mars.
33. A monument to exaggeration visible from Jupiter.
34. A team of archaeologists searching for an accurate and honest statement.
35. A larger team of archaeologists enlisted to rescue the first team.
36. A giant birthday cake decorated with tiny edible lawsuits.
37. A lifetime achievement award for confusing attention with affection.
38. A throne built from discarded cabinet secretaries.
39. A hotline that automatically connected him to himself.
40. A gold-plated shovel for digging deeper.
41. A GPS programmed to avoid accountability.
42. A recording that plays a standing ovation 24 hours a day on an endless loop.
43. A support group for everyone he’s blamed.
44. A support group for everyone who’s defended him.
45. A commemorative coin that lands on “Heads,” “Tails” and “Rigged.”
46. A television programmed to broadcast only footage of himself.
47. A second television in case the first one misses a moment.
48. A third television because the first two felt disloyal.
49. A hosting gig on a reality show called, “America’s Next Top Defendant.”
50. A plaque marking the location of his last moment of humility back in the 1970s.
51. A search team dispatched to find a second one.
52. A crown made from shredded nondisclosure agreements.
53. A special Trump Edition of the Constitution with all the parts he hates redacted.
54. A telescope pointed directedly at his own reflection.
55. A team of historians assigned to separate moth from autobiography.
56. Hazard pay for the historians.
57. A giant eraser for inconvenient facts.
58. A wreath made from the ashes of burned bridges.
59. A gift basket filled with the rotting stench of old promises.
60. A team of scientists studying the conversion of criticism into publicity.
61. A commemorative stamp that refuses to stick.
62. A giant hourglass measuring the nation’s attention span.
63. A map of every person thrown under the bus.
64. An even larger map for those who climbed back onboard against their better judgment.
65. An official state portrait consisting entirely of orange traffic cones.
66. A commemorative coin that flips itself and always lands on the side declaring victory.
67. A lifetime supply of windmills to tilt at.
68. A weather forecast that reads, “Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of self-congratulation.”
69. A mirror that charges admission.
70. A support group for everyone he’s nicknamed.
71. A calculator that only displays crowd sizes larger than those of Martin Luther King Jr.
72. A participation ribbon for every lawsuit he has ever filed or has been filed against him, which laid end to end would stretch 14 times around the globe.
73. A recording that says, “You are right about everything, sir,” on a loop.
74. A therapist who bills by the superlative.
75. A ten-foot-square museum exhibit dedicated to all of the times someone told him, “No.”
76. A giant red button labeled, “Make It About Me.”
77. A stadium filled with cardboard cutouts of people fitted with nodding bobbleheads and holding signs that say, “Yes!”
78. A massive foam finger that says, “#1 At Being #1!”
79. A giant banner that reads, “I (Heart) Vladimir.”
80. A 365-day calendar whose daily inscription reads, “No, That Didn’t Happen.”
(Ray Richmond is a longtime journalist/author and an adjunct professor at Chapman University in Orange, CA.)