In an Eastern North Carolina federal courtroom today, the United States government unbelievably indicted a former FBI director for posting a picture of seashells on the beach on Instagram.
That’s right, seashells on a beach spelled out, in an artsy way, “8647,” which means that Trump needs to go away, and in a nonviolent way. That’s the honest-to-goodness meaning.
But, Todd Blanche’s idle hands are the Trump devil’s workshop.
This seashell lunacy sounds like the plot of some twisted fairy tale written by someone smoking 420 (marijuana). But the 411 (scoop) on this case is that acting Attorney General Blanche is so over-the-top desperate to get rid of "acting" that he is twisting himself in knots to placate the 5150 (mentally disturbed person) living in the White House.
Donald Trump’s Justice Department, in its infinite vengeance and bottomless dumbness, is giving America a 101 (quick lesson) in lawlessness, deciding that “8647” constitutes a threat on the president’s life. And Blanche had a 404 (unavailable) look on his face when he was asked to talk about Comey’s supposed intent to 187 (murder) Trump.
The whole situation is a 6-7, because there is no way to explain it. I think that’s what 6-7 means, but nobody really knows, so it fits here.
I know there are plenty of people, and I count many friends among them, who never forgave James Comey for that October 2016 press conference about Anthony Weiner’s laptop and the Hillary Clinton emails found within. They blame him for handing Trump the presidency, and their animosity runs deep.
Fine. Hold onto that grudge if you must. But right now, to set it aside, because what’s happening to Comey is an attack on every one of us.
This is the second time Trump has come at Comey with charges that would make a first-year law student drop out because of their obvious tomfoolery of the charges. And any first-year law student, by the way, would know what 86 means.
I was a short-order cook at a restaurant outside Pittsburgh in high school. When we ran out of steak on a Friday night, I hollered, “86 the ribeye,” across the diner’s greasy kitchen. Nobody called the police on me.
Because “86” means gone, out of stock, no longer on the menu, and time to move on. It has meant exactly that in American restaurants and slang for almost 100 years.
Now consider this. Etsy sells “8646” T-shirts. And there are “8647” T-shirts worn by smiling models. I’m not sure why models aren’t wearing the “8646,” but the point is: do we call Todd Blanche and tell him to arrest the handsome guy and the cute women pictured in their “8647” T-shirts? Scan social media platforms and the internet, and you’ll see plenty of things being 86’d in a friendly way.
Now, the models pictured in those shirts aren’t calling for Trump’s murder. And anyone who argues otherwise would be laughed out of the room, the city, the state, and perhaps end up in a banana republic like Nicaragua.
Although the seashell “death threat” charges certainly put the U.S. in the same category as Nicaragua.
The wild-eyed, brown-nosing leaders of this farce are Blanche, who is so transparently auditioning for a permanent title that he’d apparently indict a beach umbrella-toting seashell collector to get it.
The other, of course, is Kash Patel, whose breathtaking incompetence and alleged boozing at the highest levels of law enforcement is stupefying. Together, he and Blanche held a press conference today so thin on evidence it could have fit on a post-it.
There was no credible evidence offered that Comey was inciting violence.
Anyone who has known James Comey throughout his long career in federal law enforcement knows one thing with absolute certainty: the man is an intellectual, and constitutionally incapable of threatening a president’s life.
This is a Justice Department lifer. A former FBI director. A man who, whatever his faults, dedicated his professional life to the institutions Trump is now using as a weapon against him.
Comey took down the seashell post. He apologized. It was over.
Except it wasn’t, because for this administration, the retribution campaign never ends. People get arrested for drinking on the beach, having sex on the beach, public urination on the beach, and Comey gets arrested for taking pictures of seashells.
Even J. Edgar Hoover, the most scandalous, paranoid, vindictive, file-keeping, closeted megalomaniac ever to run the FBI or any government institution - besides Trump, is sitting in a dress somewhere laughing hysterically. He would have never brought these charges because he would have been laughed out of the bureau.
What Blanche and Patel are doing is sinister. They say the FBI won’t tolerate threats against the president, or threats against anyone, for that matter. So when Trump threatens to wipe out a civilization, I guess he gets a pass because he didn’t write it in seashells?
At its core, Trump is forcing his minions to use the machinery of justice to punish a man for a beach photograph. And instead of standing up to him, they are folding like a beach chair.
So whether you loved Comey or loathed him, the time to stand up for him is now. Because if the federal government can indict a former FBI director over seashells, they can indict anyone for anything.
Summer’s coming. That means beach time, so be careful what you do with the pretty seashells scattered around you.
They could put you in prison.