What most assuredly happens when Trump sits down with the New York Times

(EDITOR’S NOTE:Former President Donald J. Trump sat down this month for an interview with New York Times political reporters and best-selling fiction writers, Maggie Haberman and Peter Baker, for an interview that covered a wide range of topics. Haberman and Baker were exceedingly careful not to push back too much on Trump’s insane and dangerous claims, but also did what little they could to make sure they didn't completely surrender to the racist who attacked our country, watched it burn for three hours, and is currently facing 91 felony counts for a slew of crimes. The following is a transcript of what this interview most certainly sounded like.)

MAGGIE HABERMAN: Thanks a million for being here, Mr. Former President Donald J. Trump.

DONALD J. TRUMP: Thank you for finally formerlizing our relationship, Maggie. It’s about time.

PETER BAKER: Hahahahaha!

TRUMP: What’s with Santa’s elf over here, Mags. Does he think I actually said something funny???

HABERMAN: He doesn’t know you that well yet, Mr. President. Give him some time, and he’ll realize you don’t know how to take a joke.

BAKER: I think you meant formalizing, not formerlizing, but it was a funny play on words, Mr. Former President Donald J. Trump. I didn’t realize you had such a great sense of humor!

TRUMP: Wise guy, eh? Know-it-all. Let me remind you again I have the best words, and have always had a great sense of humor even if I never smile. My sense of humor is just very delayed.

BAKER: Delayed?

TRUMP: Yeah, delayed. Like I might say something horrible on Saturday during one of my top-rated, terrific rallies, and then when everybody gets upset about it, I just tell them I was joking about it on Monday. Idiots in the media like you eat it up every time. Now THAT’S funny.

BAKER: That’s really not very funny at all, sir.

TRUMP: Listen, wise guy, I have the best sense of humor ever. If you tell me a joke today, I might not laugh about it until Friday, because like I said, it’s delayed. Why just before this interview I was laughing about something Stephen Miller told me about the lazy homeless people on Sunday.

HABERMAN: Hold on, Stephen Miller has a sense of humor?

TRUMP: I guess he does. It took me until about an hour ago to discover that. Funny kid, even if he looks like he’s 67.

HABERMAN: Maybe we should get back on track here, Mr. Former President Donald J. Trump. As things continue to heat up in the Mideast, do you think America should keep funding Israel and Netanyahu during this war?

TRUMP: No.

BAKER AND HABERMAN scream: NO?????????

TRUMP: Yeah, no. All funding for Israel should have to go through me first. I am planning on telling this to little Mike Johnson when I take over the presidency in December. All money will go from Congress directly to me.

BAKER: So all aid would flow through you? Now THAT’S funny!

TRUMP: You think that’s funny, eh? Here’s something funnier: you writing my biography from a jail cell because I ordered you to after I take over in December.

BAKER: I didn’t …

TRUMP interrupts: Shut up. Listen to me, peckerhead, all aid will go through me. That’s final. All of it. I will be the decider on how I spend America’s money. Any money we spend on anything in this country will cross my desk first. I will be the CEO of America. This is what Americans wants. They want me controlling everything. Poll after poll shows this.

BAKER: But that’s not how our government works, sir!

TRUMP: It will be when I take over in December, you dimwit. WATCH.

BAKER: But …

HABERMAN interrupts: Just let it go, Peter, no reason to make Mr. Trump so angry this early in the interview. He’s our guest after all, and he can spend our money however he’d like to.

TRUMP: Thank you, Maggie. Yer one of the good ones, except when yer bad. I like bad girls sometimes, just not a lot. I prefer they be submissive, as you know. And girls like you are generally not my type, as you also know. But there’s something about you …

HABERMAN <blushing>: Awww, thanks, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Thank me later after I’ve decided if I should lock you up with Peter after taking over in December.

BAKER: Speaking of polling …As you know, Mr. President, our New York Times polling has had you leading nationally and in every swing state for three straight years. Our polling now has you competitive in every state in the union and even in Canada and Mexico and Norway. If the election were held today you would probably win more than 450 electoral votes and 68 percent of the vote. What’s the first thing you plan to do when you are elected?

TRUMP: Announce there will be no more elections.

BAKER: You are joking again, right?

TRUMP: I guess you’ll have to wait to find out won’t you, sonny?

HABERMAN: Sir, there’s been a lot of speculation that your daughter, Melania, won’t be a part of a second Trump administration, can you confirm that?

TRUMP: Ivanka.

HABERMAN: Huh?

TRUMP: You said my daughter, Melania. My daughter is Ivanka. My current wife is, Melania. She’s the mother of the tall kid that is currently eating us out of house and home.

HABERMAN: Barron?

TRUMP: Who?

HABERMAN: Barron, your tall son.

TRUMP: THAT’S his name?

HABERMAN: Er, never mind, sir. I am just SO sorry I have confused your wife and daughter.

TRUMP: Don’t get your pigtails in a knot, Mags, I do it all the time.

HABERMAN: You do??

TRUMP: Sure. If Ivanka wasn’t my daughter she would have been my wife, except I got a great deal on Melania, and I’m not ready to return her yet.

BAKER: Deal?

TRUMP: Yeah, deal. Where do you order your wives from, pencil neck?

HABERMAN: Er, moving on … There has been a lot of concern about your deference for dictators like Russia’s Vladimir Putin. Do you want to correct that perception for the record? And please do.

TRUMP: No.

HABERMAN: This would be a great opportunity for you to let everybody know how much you stand up for Democracy, Mr. Former President Donald J. Trump. Please take this opportunity to clear the air.

TRUMP: Look, I love this Democracy more than anybody including Presidents Washington, Lincoln and Franklin, but it hasn’t been working since the lowlife Obama stole the presidency. I won every state except California in 2020, and still wasn’t elected. That’s why Vlad ended Democracy in Russia. Once he discovered it wasn’t working, it was gone. That’s why I call him a savvy genius. These days if he calls for an election, it’s only because he knows he is going to win it. I mean, who would call a vote if they knew they were going to lose it? A loser, that’s who, and I’m not a loser. I think I proved that last month when I shot a smooth 67 at my terrific, tremendous club championship at Mar-a-Lago. I’m the only person to have ever won that championship 11 years a row. People can’t stopping talking about it. Everywhere I go, they are amazed I could do that. And if you are interested in a membership I might be able to pull some strings to get you a real deal. Mar-a-Lago … home of the thinnest blondes and fattest steaks in the world ... Anyway, even Kim John Young in North Korea called to congratulate me on my championship win. I believe I am the only American he even talks to, which is a tremendous honor for me — and him, of course. He’s got an honorary membership at Mar-a-Lago. His room is next to the bathroom with all the boxes.

HABERMAN: OK, that’s a lot of information to unpack, Mr. President, and you are suddenly rambling and speaking very quickly.

TRUMP: Must be the, umm, large coke I had on the way over here. And you don’t know the half of it, Mags. You should see what I unpacked in those boxes. I could bring down the entire government with the information I got on people thanks to those beauties.

HABERMAN: I meant unpacking all the other interesting things you said, but you are now confirming that all those boxes with classified information existed and you went through them?

TRUMP: No, I’m not. I’ve already said too much, and my lawyer, Aileen, told me not to say any more about this subject.

BAKER: Aileen?NotJudge Aileen Cannon?????

TRUMP: Yeah, Judge Cannon, turtle face. Are you really this stupid? Why else would I have her on the payroll.

BAKER: Payroll?????

TRUMP: Yeah, payroll. We pay her out of the same funds we use to keep Clarence and Sammy voting the way they're supposed to. I put the other three of those Conservative dummies on the bench, so they already know where their bread is buttered.

HABERMAN: So you are confirming today the Court is corrupt?

TRUMP: No, I’m confirming the Court works for me. Big difference there. Yuge.

BAKER: But they overturned Roe and that seems to have backfired on Republicans, and hurt your party in the midterm elections. Just today the Arizona Supreme Court said they were enforcing an abortion ban that dates back to the year 1864. This can’t be helpful to Republicans this November — especially in a swing state like Arizona.

TRUMP: That’s why there will be no more elections after I take over in December, dummy. How many times do I have to keep telling you that?

HABERMAN: Sir, you keep saying you will “take over in December.” Don’t you mean, when you win in November?

TRUMP: No.

HABERMAN: So you are saying you won’t win in November?

TRUMP: No. I mean, yes. I mean, it won’t matter.

BAKER: It won’t matter????

TRUMP: No, it won’t matter, bullet head.

BAKER: But what if Biden wins? And despite our polling that has you way, way, way, way ahead, you never know with these things.

TRUMP: Well, I know, pal. He’s never beat me yet, and won’t this time.

BAKER: He won in 2020, sir.

TRUMP: Maggie you better turn your boy toy off here, before some very mean and not nice things happen to him. My bodyguard, Rocco, over there is sitting on a crate of ketchup.

HABERMAN: Oh my God.We apologize, sir. We didn’t mean to upset you. You have to know by now that The New York Times is here for you 24/7.

TRUMP: Well, I’m not so sure sometimes. I know there’s big money in keeping this thing close, but this whole thing is going to blow up in our faces if you keep pushing my magnificent buttons.

HABERMAN: Understand completely. Just one more question before we go.

TRUMP: Make it quick.

HABERMAN: Will you honor the results of the election in November?

TRUMP: I guess you’ll have to wait until I take over in December to find out.

BAKER: Are you joking again?

TRUMP: What do you think, dumbbell?

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D. Earl Stephens is the author of “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters” and finished up a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes. Follow @EarlofEnough and on his website.