One of the biggest struggles in educating people about the realities of domestic violence is the question, "Why does she stay?" There's a million ways this question is asked, but sadly most of them implicitly blame the victim and imply that the only reason someone would stay is that she's stupid. Women claim that they'd leave after the first punch, men assure us they'd run interference if they knew that a man they know is abusing his partner. Many of these people are dead wrong, unfortunately. Feminists try to make it understandable. We explain that abusers often do a great job at portraying remorse, which, coupled with a systemic stripping down of the victim's self-esteem, can be an extremely effective tactic at getting forgiveness. A woman who has started to believe no one could love her---which abusers usually tell you---is often sadly grateful when the abuser whips out the flowers, tears, and pleas after a beating. Remember, the time leading up to the beating is often a time of escalating tension, which means that her self-esteem is lowered more than usual by a combination of reminders that no one else will love her and having that reinforced by the abuser making a show out of how he can barely bring himself to be kind to her pitiful self. Pulling away from affection, sharp comments, that sort of thing. Then, beating. Then tearful apology and elaborate show of love. Most people aren't rocks, and this kind of manipulation is startlingly effective, even on victims with a lot of intelligence.
