Barack Obama needs to stop acting so fucking black. White people hate that shit.

That's the central thesis of Camille Paglia's latest article, in which Obama's "folksy come-on" (read: failing to speak with the meticulously precise locution that he should - or, in the more common parlance, not being "well-spoken" enough) is utterly grating to her ears.

A major gaffe this summer has been that, in trying to act more casual and folksy to appeal to working-class white voters, Obama has resorted to a cringe-making use of inner-city black intonations and jokey phrasings -- exactly the wrong tactic.

This is her example, I swear to God:

An aggressive, on-point Obama mocking his Republican opponents' fixation on a wholly accurate statement he made about energy conservation. You know, straight niggerish shit. He drops some Gs at the end of words, and we know how the Negroes love Gs, original and otherwise. Makes sense that he's keeping them all for himself, away from whitey's prying linguistic ears.

Avowed Obama supporter Paglia then goes on to detail her Very Serious Concerns with the Obama mystique:

One of the major doubts those very voters have about him is to what extent he is an agent for the 1960s black power radicalism espoused by his former minister, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright. It does seem to be the case that Obama, raised in multicultural and tourist-oriented Hawaii, lacks direct experience of any working-class enclave aside from the black one.

So...very...much...wrong. Hawaii has a middle class. It's one of the United States of America. He went to school on a scholarship while living with his white grandparents in a small two-bedroom apartment. What's becoming obvious here is that Paglia is operating under the assumption that any and all things a black man does which fail to jibe with her experience of suburban white America automatically make him some shuck and jive hustler (wannabe or otherwise) who owes her and those who share in her whiteness...something. Like a way of being the authentic black buck they know he is, but in a nonthreatening way demonstrating his education and polish. Perhaps he could freestyle the next act of Hamlet in full iambic pentameter, who the fuck knows?

Of course, it's not enough that Obama is a thoroughly dishonest and fake person based on her nonexistent knowledge of who he is and where he comes from, he's also running his campaign incorrectly.

Furthermore, the Obama campaign's constant chaining of the Bush anchor on the grouchy, maverick McCain is getting stale. Save that for the post-convention push. The attitude toward Bush of most working-class conservatives is, "He may be a bastard, but he's OUR bastard!" If that nativizing idea gets transferred to McCain, it could be fatal for the Dems in November.


So, if Obama attacks a white dude, any white dude, even a white dude that more Americans disapprove of for a longer period of time than any other similar white dude in history, other white dudes are going to be all like, "What's that I sense? A fellow white man in trouble??? It's time to support all white dudes...for everything! Clay Aiken for Mayor! Donovan McNabb was overrated! NO MORE FRIED CHICKEN!"

The Obaman culpability for white racism has now been taken to a new and even dumber level - now, Obama seeming threatening to any combination of white people larger than one will cause a reflexive backlash in the white community. And it's a backlash he must prevent at all costs, even at the sacrifice of his campaign message and, perhaps, victory. Makes sense to me; the last thing I want to see is Cheesecake Factories nationwide go up in flames on November 4th.

And Obama's tire gauge mini-crusade was a mortifying misfire with those same voters -- a shiny little gadget specializing in the literally lightweight issue of air versus the greasy, brawny push for massive, phallic drilling into the seabed of mother earth. Symbols matter!

White people love sticking their dicks in things.

It's true - Camille Paglia said it on the internet!

So, in order for Obama to not seem threatening to easily emasculated white conservatives, he's got to endorse taking giant mechanical cocks and forcefully plumbing the earth until tons of dirty black shit comes spurting out. In addition, in order to beat a white guy, he's got to stop beating up on another white guy with which the first white guy is closely linked in case white conservatives think that his malt liquor-fueled rampage will one day include them and their kin. Also, he needs to pat his head and rub his tummy at the same time.

I don't know if Camille Paglia is the dumbest human being on the face of the planet, but I would heartily advise that she stop assaulting a black candidate for President lest all black people take notice and think she's a member of the Klan.

Then, of course, because black dudes aren't women, we have Hillary Clinton brought into the picture for no apparent reason:

The Clintons and their surrogates have clearly been encouraging and fomenting resentment and rebellion, even while angelically maintaining deniability. Conventions aren't the place for "catharsis" -- how absurd. Let all those dizzy dames go off on a spa week for a bout of Arthur Janov's primal scream therapy.

"Dizzy dames"? I think I get it. Paglia's actually a hard-nosed noir detective, see? And she's just calling it like it is, see? She's an Abercrombie, yeah, yeah, that's the ticket, a little know it all bumping gums to try to get us to squeal. It ain't gonna work, see? Now I gotta make tracks down to the speakeasy and drop a coupla nickels on my dollface so that she don't give me the high hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, y'see? Got it all figured out...

You know how I know that I'll never get a job for life as a commentator for a prominent online magazine or newspaper? I don't forsee myself finding ways to hate everyone and taking a perverse ethical pleasure in it.