Stephen Colbert shared some stories from the review site on Yelp Monday, he said, because he was looking out for his audience.
“I know that a large segment of my audience is violent criminals,” he explained, before advising viewers on how to use his show’s new phone app while leading police on a high-speed chase.
“First off, be safe — put down the phone, put hands 10 and 2, while you careen through traffic at 130 miles an hour,” he advised, gripping an imaginary steering wheel.
Colbert also tipped the audience off on where they should try to get arrested, mentioning that some jails, like the the Arlington County Detention building in Virginia, are getting glowing reviews on the site.
“At no time did the officer violate any of my constitutional privileges and even gave me a juice box after I said I was thirsty,” user Wendi L. wrote. “Yes, you heard right, they have juice boxes!”
Colbert pointed out that using juice boxes would be sensible, given the security risk of calling for the “Kool-Aid man.”
“I believe that is the original ending of The Shawshank Redemption,” he said after playing a clip from the Kool-Aid “Bank Robbers” commercial.
But the Colbert Report host didn’t skip out on the horror stories, including user testimonials like, “That is a dangerous crowded cramped situation. I almost passed out from the heat” and “You will sit outside in a dark holding pin [sic] that feels like a dungeon.”
Those reviewers, of course, were talking about their experiences at tapings of the show itself, accounts that Colbert disputed.
“That is hardly fair,” Colbert huffed. “My show is nothing like prison. I mean, 80 percent of these people have not been shivved.”
Watch Colbert break down Yelpers’ favorite prisons, as aired Monday on Comedy Central, below.