Remember Tim Tebow?
Tim Tebow is a man, a godly man, who was put here on 6000-year-old earth – two thousand years after his older brother dropped by – to re-wash away the world’s [America’s] sins by dying for us on weekly basis on God’s green gridiron. During his collegiate days, Tebow found great success by winning two mythical national championships and achieving Heisman sainthood, joining other notable state of Florida college stars who went on to similar fame and fortune filled careers in the NFL like Gino Torretta, Danny Wuerffel, and Chris Weinke.
Unfortunately for Tim the same God who saw fit to take time out of His busy schedule to make sure that he was glorious in the eyes of man during Saturday games, tested Tim’s faith when it came to Playing On The Lord’s Day. Tim’s Sunday tribulations included, but were not limited to, standing next to the coach holding a clipboard while all the other guys got to play, throwing passes that wobbled and fell from the air like a duck whose spleen had suddenly exploded in mid-flight, and being unable to unseat the guy who invented the ‘buttfumble‘ … blessed be his now-released #6.
Dark times, indeed.
So when God – and the NFL general managers who think they are God – forsook Tim Tebow for all time, Tim was left with both a crisis of faith and more time to hit the gym and shop for too small t-shirts.
With few other skills, outside of a stint as an amateur mohel, (plans for a chain of quickie circumcision parlors called Tim Tebow’s SuperCuts fell through) Tebow has since been wandering the earth like Cain from Kung Fu, but with a real American God and not some bullshit Chinese one. Also, less ass-kicking.
Fortunately, when God closes out a football career, He opens up a speaking spot on the ‘Talking To People About How Failing Made Me A More Godly Man Although, To Be Honest, I Would Have Preferred Being Successful Rather Than Talking To You Rubes’ speaking tour. In Tim’s case it came in the form of Wildfire which is a Christian revival man-gathering along the lines of Promisekeepers, but with less about being a faithful patriarchal figurehead to the wife and kids, and more of a Buffalo Wild Wings vibe but with more Jesus and less beer.
According to the Wildfire site Tim Tebow and a bunch of other mostly white guys – including a couple of those Duck Dynasty dudes whose own traveling Jesus show died and went to refund heaven– will be testifying at an all-man stadium sausage fest:
10,000 men, fathers, sons, brothers and Christ-followers, coming together to worship God and learn more about the life of true adventure He intends for us as men.
Sounds boring. Can you be more specific?
Even more, imagine a two-day event packed full of workshops, exhibits and fun around the stuff that men love: hunting, fishing, football, motorcycles, racing, extreme sports and other outdoor activities—featuring some of the leading experts in the world.
Just like Jesus and his disciples used to talk about on those long nights without women! Snowboarding on The Mount! Killing things! Guns! Harleys! You can almost smell the frankincense, testosterone, and Red Bull.
So you should get you tickets right now (sorry ladies: all bro’s, no ho’s, so more time to spend at home
watching Ellen and drinking heavily having babies and making sandwiches ) because this will be a rare opportunity for you to see Tim Tebow perform in a stadium without him touching another man’s butt.
If you’re lucky, maybe he’ll read from The Book of Brady 45:10
That’s a timeless one…
[Tebow image from Tim Tebow Facebook]