Seth Meyers rips four-hour voting lines: ‘That’s longer than Trump prepared for any of the debates'

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump is spiraling out of control in his final few weeks of the campaign trail. Projected for a historic loss, the candidate is looking for excuses to prepare himself and his followers. His paranoid attacks have now gone from his enemies to voters themselves, polling places and even dead people.

"Apparently, he's so paranoid that last night in Florida he told a crowd that as he flew over the Everglades he was afraid that he'd get eaten by an alligator," Seth Meyers cited on Monday night's "Late Night." His fear confirms that he is pretty much the 2016 version of Captian Hook, just with a really tiny hook for his really tiny hand.

Trump desperately tried to get back on track with his Gettysburg Address, but the attempt to look presidential failed when he spent 15 minutes railing on his accusers and the media. "So, basically, Trump did worse at Gettysburg than The South did," Meyers joked. "Trump giving a speech at Gettysburg only made sense if it was also the location where Abraham Lincoln was caught on a hot mic before taping an episode of 'Access Pennsylvania.'"

Pundits are saying that Trump's threats to sue the accusers is only hurting his already sinking support among women. But instead of saying things that could help him with voters, he's decided to complain that the whole election is rigged against him. The growing list of attacks on those threatening his chances now extends to dead people, who the campaign says are evidence of voter fraud. "Yeah, they might be registered, but I have a feeling turnout will be low," Meyers mocked.

Trump handbag holder Rudy Giuliani told CNN that these dead people were helping one side in particular. "Dead people generally vote for Democrats and not Republicans," Giuliani said. Meyers explained that Giuliani would know all about how dead people vote because he's king of the vampires.

The rigged language is prompting Trump followers to take action by going to monitor polling locations in Democratic strongholds. One Trump supporter admitted to the New York Times that he would be watching his polling place to racially profile "Mexican, Syrians [and] people who can't speak American." The person clarified that they won't be doing anything illegal but plans to go up behind them to "make them a little bit nervous." Intimidating someone at a polling place is illegal.

"You're going to make them 'a little bit nervous?' Where have you been for the last 15 months? We're all a little bit nervous," Meyers said.

The largest problem is that the GOP has stoked this nonsensical attack on the American voter for years. Their laws demanding voter IDs, cutting back on early voting or polling places and accusations that voter purges are necessary to prevent dead people from voting, all stoke the fires of paranoia about a rigged election. Despite the absurdly low numbers of voter fraud (between 0.00004 percent and 0.0009 percent) this has become a talking point to Republicans. The result has been long lines, particularly in African-American communities and near college campuses.

In North Carolina, for example, people are beginning to go to early voting sites to cast ballots to avoid the crowds on Election Day. They're facing long lines anyway, however, that are anywhere from 30 minutes to four hours. "To put that in context, four hours is longer than Donald Trump prepared for any of the debates," Meyers joked. "The only place Trump spent four hours is backstage at a Miss Universe pagent."

There might not be evidence of voter fraud, but there is certainly evidence that something is "off" with Trump. Even the Washington Post noted over the weekend that "Trump is in a funk." He's so morose "he can't even bring himself to do his favorite thing, talk about himself on TV," Meyers observed. Last week, Trump was confronted by a reporter and simply walked away, something he's never been known to do when being attacked. "So sad," Meyers said, confused. "I mean, listen to his voice, even he can't muster the energy to pretend what he's saying isn't ridiculous. 'I'm the least racist person. Everybody says so. Well, some people say so. Nobody says so,'" Meyers said, doing a Trump impression.