A neuroscientist explains how the ‘game theory of love’ works amid political warfare

With the political landscape as heated as ever in the run-up to Election 2024, it's easy to forget that February still brings a day dedicated not to partisan squabbles, but to the celebration of love.

With Valentine's Day now here, hearts flutter and chocolates sell out, but behind the scenes, the game of courtship aligns more closely with the chessboard than with Cupid's arrows.

The nation's general political malaise may have dampened the usual enthusiasm for romantic gestures, but the question remains: How strongly do you confess your love on Valentine's Day? Do you play it cool and whisper your affection with a small but thoughtful token of your love, or do you confess your unadulterated love to your sweetheart with a grand gesture and a monologue that explain that you can't live without her — that her absence would leave you adrift in a sea of heartbreak from which you fear you’d never return?

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Always go big, but only if you’re in a position to take the risk. If your girl’s a romantic, which she likely is — duh — then they want to be whisked into the climactic scene of their favorite romantic movie.

But how do you know if you are in a position to do that?

Enter the new framework that I call Game Theory of Love. This way of thinking is loosely based on game theory, a branch of mathematics often associated with economics and conflict resolution, but also applicable to the intricate dance of dating and relationships — even among people at different places along the political spectrum.

To lay the groundwork, let's start with a classic game theory scenario: the prisoner's dilemma.

Imagine two suspects in separate interrogation rooms. Each face the choice to betray the other or remain silent. The optimal outcome hinges on predicting the other's move, much like in a romantic liaison. If both partners choose to trust and stay true, they achieve the best collective outcome. However, if one succumbs to temptation, thinking the other might do the same, the bond of trust is broken, leading to the worst outcome for the relationship.

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Nash equilibrium — another classic game theory thought experiment — is a concept that describes a situation where no player can benefit by changing their strategy while the other player's strategies remain unchanged. In the context of a relationship, think of it as a state where both partners have found a balance in their give-and-take, a mutual understanding that any deviation from their current behavior would not yield a better outcome for them.

What’s the overall lesson to be learned for love birds? Striking a balance is essential to maintaining a relationship that is neither smothering nor unstable — each partner's contentment hinges on this equilibrium, even amid disagreements over money, priorities or politics.

Now, transpose this style of reasoning onto the stage of love.

In the grand theater of relationships, each partner's desirability isn't just a matter of attraction or the number of gifts one can afford to shower their lover with. According to a framework we may playfully call “game theory of love,” a significant part of what makes someone attractive is the attention they receive from others. Yes, you heard it right – it's not just about the twinkle in your eye, but also who else is noticing that twinkle. If your partner is constantly being hit on by others who’d like to get you out of the picture, you need to make sure you are equally desirable by society. If you don’t, your Valentine’s Day grandstanding may freak your partner out, and make her reassess whether you are out of your league — rather than falling madly in love.

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Picture this: Alice and Bob are in a relationship. Bob notices that Charlie, who is successful and attractive, seems quite taken with Alice. Suddenly, Alice’s stock rises in Bob's eyes. This is not because of anything Alice has done per se, but because if Charlie sees something special in Alice, Bob reasons he must be quite lucky to have Alice as his partner.

Conversely, if Bob is drawing admiring glances from Diana — who is attractive and extremely intelligent — Alice might find Bob even more irresistible, fearing she might lose a partner who's clearly in demand.

It sounds almost like a plot for a zany rom-com, doesn't it? The game theory of love suggests that to maintain a secure and vibrant relationship, each partner must be perceived as desirable by others. It's a delicate balance of ensuring your partner knows you're a hot commodity while also being deeply committed to them. It's as if each person needs to wear an invisible sign that says, "I'm with someone, but oh, look how many others wish they were in their shoes!"

But here's the twist – while this might sound like a strategy ripe for sitcom shenanigans, there's science to back it up. Human psychology does indeed respond to social proof and perceived value. We cherish what others desire, a principle that applies to everything from the latest gadget to our romantic partners.

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Social proof, a psychological and social phenomenon, leads individuals to mirror the actions of others, assuming these actions to be the correct response to a given situation. It's a close relative of conformity — matching attitudes, beliefs and behaviors to group norms. Within the context of love and attraction, this social proof becomes a powerful undercurrent, shaping perceptions and influencing desires.

Consider the way a busy restaurant, teeming with customers, signals a culinary experience worth trying, or how a product selling out online prompts a rush of demand fueled by its apparent popularity. In matters of the heart, the same principle applies: when an individual is courted by admirers, their allure often skyrockets not because of any intrinsic change in their qualities but due to the social validation of their desirability.

This phenomenon, akin to the magnetic pull of a garden in full bloom that attracts more onlookers simply because it already draws a crowd, underscores a profound truth about human nature: we are swayed by the collective affirmation of others. A person's appeal is magnified in the glow of attention they receive, a reflection of the garden's beauty made more potent by the presence of its admirers.

But why does social proof hold such sway over our perception of attractiveness? The answer is to be found in evolutionary psychology. For our ancestors, the instinct to follow the group often meant the difference between survival and demise. In the metamodern age, this instinct manifests in the social arena, where popularity becomes a subconscious cue of quality, signaling to potential partners that there is something inherently worthwhile to be discovered in a person so highly regarded by others.

Yet, the tapestry of human attraction is not woven from a single strand. While social proof can significantly enhance the perceived value of a partner, it intertwines with other essential threads — personal connection, shared values and goals, emotional resonance — to create the intricate pattern of what draws us to another.

Through the analytical lens of game theory, social proof can be seen as a strategic move in the delicate play of love — a way to boost one's standing on the desirability scale. But this is a game fraught with pitfalls, for overreliance on the perceived approval of others can lead to a fragile foundation for relationships, vulnerable to the whims of public opinion.

The implications are as profound as they are paradoxical. While the presence of social proof can contribute to a secure and vibrant love life, it can also erect a house of cards, precariously balanced on the shifting sands of attention and attraction. It begs the question: does the value of social proof in one's relationship contribute to a genuine bond, or is it a mirage that distorts the reality of a deeper connection?

In pursuit of a love that is both secure and dynamic, it becomes imperative to understand and acknowledge the role of social proof while maintaining a holistic view of what makes a relationship thrive. The bedrock of lasting love is built on respect, trust, and genuine connection — not merely the fleeting glances of onlookers, however flattering they may be.

So, this Valentine's Day, let us engage with the game of love thoughtfully, blending the cerebral with the sentimental, in a way that honors both the influence of social proof and the enduring power of genuine, heartfelt connection. Make that grand romantic gesture and confess your unbridled love in a way that puts your valentine in the middle of that romantic movie they’ve always wanted to star in. But at the same time, throw in a little harmless flirtation with the universe to keep your partner on their toes. After all, love — even in these seemingly perilous times — is not just about finding the right person, but also about being just in-demand enough to be a fun challenge.

Bobby Azarian is a cognitive neuroscientist and the author of the book The Romance of Reality: How the Universe Organizes Itself to Create Life, Consciousness, and Cosmic Complexity. He is also a blogger for Psychology Today and the creator of the Substack Road to Omega. Follow him on X and Instagram @BobbyAzarian.