Dear America, Nobody makes a deal like Trump. NOBODY
Dear Americans Who Can’t Stop Rooting For Me No Matter What,
First, I just want to say I am still a little jet logged from flying around the world and back and climbing on top of that incredible summit in Alaska with the great President Putin and looking down on people. So I hope you will bare with me, as you read this Very Important Letter today.
Thank you in advance, and you are welcome in the future.
To begin with, you should know that my oxygen levels are incredibly high, and even the Russian diplomats couldn’t believe how hot my ankles looked after that grueling meeting in which I brought peace back to Alaska, hope to Russia, and only a tiny bit of hurt to Ukraine — much, much less then anybody could have ever expected.
One of the diplomats who couldn’t stop looking at my ankles, a very pretty blonde girl may I say, said through an interrogator that they expected to see my ankles swollen up like a balloon after the press reports from our dirty, rotten, disgusting media here in the states. Instead, she told me through that interrogator that she saw a champion of a man, whose ankles looked no older than 50, and probably even less than that. And remember: She has a diploma.
I took this as a great compliment after climbing that summit, and meeting their leaders on equal footing with my incredibly trim ankles.
Right off the top, I want to inform you that I will have to keep this Very Important Letter short today, because I want to concentrate on everything I did at this grueling summit, and keep the emphasis away from what didn’t happen with Jeffrey Epstein and all those girls. I think we’ve all heard enough about that. Besides, I prefer screwing President Zelensky instead.
That’s a joke.
Or maybe not.
You can never tell with me, because I make a point of never smiling. Even though I should be happy, I see smiling as a tremendous weakness. You’ll notice that after everything I said in that terrific summit, Vlad was doing all the smiling. The last time I smiled on top of that summit was when Vlad got off the airplane.
That should tell you everything you need to know about how it went.
So I’d talk and Vlad would do all the smiling. He didn’t know what to make of it. Even when he told me that he felt sorry for me that the 2020 election was stolen, I didn’t smile. I did thank him for the sediments, but I made sure not to smile about it.
Truth is, I was happy that a man of such sensational stature and incredible power saw the election in 2020 exactly as I did. This is a man who constantly wins elections by tremendous margins, so I think he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to other people winning elections by tremendous margins like I do.
We have this and many, many other things in common. Except I am taller than him. Much, much taller, and a little bit smarter. Not a lot smarter, but a little, and I think that incinerates him.
I could tell the sexy Russian girl with the diploma, who was admiring my slim ankles felt the same way, too — I mean about the elections. This has all been so incredibly unfair to me, but I told her I am working my hardest to make sure our elections are as fair as Russia’s in the future. This brought a smile to her face, too, but I didn't blink.
On that note, when I am done with this letter, I will be talking with Governor Costello in Texas to jerrystander things there so we never lose the Senate again.
Everybody can thank me for that later.
But for now, you are welcome.
Because of national security emotions, I can’t get too much into what Vlad and I discussed for three hours at the top of that summit, but rest assured, he was smiling the whole time, because he isn’t as strong as I am. Without devolving too much here, I think it’s safe to say Zelensky won’t be smiling very much when I tell him how little of his country I want him to give to Vlad, so we can bring peace to the world, and I can win another Noble Peace Prize.
Basically, I just want him to give Vlad a little corner of Ukraine that’s no bigger than North Carolina or New Jersey. He won’t even notice it’s gone. In exchange, Vlad will agree not to attack Ukraine as long as I am in office. And given the terrific shape of my ankles that could be a very long time.
It is incredible that nobody thought of this before. Vlad couldn’t believe what a terrific deal it was. I’ve never seen him smile like that. Meantime, I just pouted, but inside I was jumping around like a man with 27-year-old ankles.
Nobody makes a deal like me. NOBODY.
I did tell Vlad that Russia could keep shooting and bombing Ukrainians until this fantastic deal is finalized, because that was only fair. You couldn’t believe how much he was smiling after that one. I even threw in attacking my own capital with armed troops as a bonus just to show him how serious I was.
At that point, I knew I had him right where I wanted him.
Well … I really do have to wrap this Very Important Letter up. My incredible stamina is running out of gas.
But before I meet Marco on the golf course, after talking with Governor Costello, I want to make sure to thank the men of our armed forces for their incredible job rolling out the red carpet for not one, but two powerful world leaders. Nobody’s ever asked our military men to do that before, but I had great confidence that as their Commander inside their Chief, that they could perform this tricky, dangerous duty.
Needless to say, this made Vlad smile, while I kept that powerful pout on my rigid military face. There’s no way Vlad expected red carpet treatments on my beautiful runway. Right then and there, I knew he would be eating out of my hands.
I still am shivering in my spine when I think of how powerful I was during this summit. While talking with Sean in front of 227 million people on Fox Friday night, I almost cracked a smile. Sean told me it would be OK if I smiled just a little, but I told him that wouldn't be appropriate given that I never let one smile out in front of Vlad, even though he deserved one.
Sean didn't know how to take that, but he never asked me one question that I couldn’t answer after that, and everybody I’ve talked to seemed pretty happy about it.
So that's it for now, average voters of America.
I hope you are as proud of me as I deserve. All I ever do is think about you, and how you can help keep me in office for as long as possible to make great deals on your behalf.
May God get around to blessing you and your families, long after he’s done blessing me.
DONALD J. TRUMP
- (D. Earl Stephens is the author of “Toxic Tales: A Caustic Collection of Donald J. Trump’s Very Important Letters” and in addition to finishing up this latest letter, finished a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes. You can find all his work here.)
Governor of California Gavin Newsom talks to U.S. President Donald Trump in Los Angeles, California. REUTERS/Leah Millis